Archive for December, 2010

21 questions

Posted: December 23, 2010 in confusion, destiny, lonliness, love, me, rant

1. does love exist?

2. can you take someone’s breath away

3. is fidelity a “real” thing

4. can you love it if i like it

5. am i pretty

6. do you REMEMBER

7. do you like kids

8. will you hold me

9. are you hungry

10. am i smart

11. am i funny

12. what colour are my eyes

13.  wanna rassle

14. who do i love most

15. what do i smell like

16. who did i love most BEFORE

17. wanna make out

18. what was the BEST thing that happened to you today

19. how am i doing

20. am i hokey for liking rap

21. who ARE you?!?! a guy that disappears after 2 months?!?! and fake fucked me into thinking i could possibly want or accept love?!?! fuck you. i was loved today. im guessing HE loves me…its so so so obvious. (shhhhh i think i love him too….damn) i showed him my cat…dwight. i showed him my socks. he laid in my bed. he is awesome. sucks i cant just be like “LOOK! HOLD ME! I THINK I LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! YOURE A GREAT FRIEND. I THINK I FOUND IT….*insert rejection….shuffles feet…mumbles sweet nothings and hurts wondering why “he wont”*

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Day 6

Posted: December 23, 2010 in clarity, facebook, me

So odd to see the reduction in my facebook usage. This was a great idea. My productivity may not have greatly increased, but I feel more human. I’m now utilizing it as I believe is appropriate: in moderation.

Today I woke up at 10am. I proceeded to shower and get semi-girly. My friend Ben took me to lunch and gifted me 5x over. It was a nice afternoon. I REALLY NICE afternoon. My evening has been spent watching movies, eating steak, drinking wine and rum. (thanks BEN<3)

Anxiety, as a whole, is down. I’m not more engaged in my life per se, but I dont feel as empty as I did. Obsessing over facebook for 8 hours a day was in no way healthy. I could liken it to an addiction of sorts. It was all too consuming. Stalker status was definitely met, and I’m not cool with that!

I have a little peace in my life thanks to re-finding  other activities that I enjoy to occupy me: movies, reading, writing, and just spending quiet alone time…a little less of a lonely soul at a keyboard.

Day 5

Posted: December 22, 2010 in me

I want to have sex. I want to shave my legs. I want to wake up and make eggs. I don’t want your fucking text.

i deleted you from facebook…yet you still taunt me.

stop being my “friend”. friends dont need declarations…

You said somebody would get “hurt”…

well so i am.

i didnt expect or need this…

i liked your beard. the way u snuggled me. smiling while kissing. fuck you.

i love how awesome and independent u are…but not enough to deal w me….

DAY5

i slept a lot

i missed a boy

idk why

stop

leave me alone

m’kay…

ur so worse than FB

beautiful baby…..sorry u didnt love it…i did

you know you want to snug…

BE HERE!

beam me some shit

Day 4…All Said and Done

Posted: December 21, 2010 in me

I had a REALLY shitty evening. I’m going to let it be a “shitty evening” that followed a good morning that was all of my own accord. This “shitty evening” was twisted, turned, riddled, and shaped by my decision to vacate facebook and the subsequent “cheating” on that intention. Long story short: Girl meets car. Car shits on girl. Girl has icicles in her hair, in a strangers house, while crying. Alone.  So why not lay in wait facebooking?!

I come home to the warm home that is mine, though for all intents and purposes, temporary. There are Strawberry Shortcake pajamas to be worn, wine to be drank, groceries to be eaten, and a kitty to give scratchies to. This is my home. At times it may be lonely, far, unvisited, yet it is MINE!

According to weak willed peer pressure, I decided to facebook for the grand purpose of music. Music like love, art, taste and comfort, are personal and possibly unintentional choices. Thus began my experience with futility. I was bated into posting into a music group I created. That journey left me bored, empty and annoyed. Chalk it up to the little girl that felt “punk” but needed a job. I’m done there. It should be considered a Christmas gift. Share music my friends. I made the people that post the most the admins, so it would be easier to remove my imaginary power. I made the group anonymous sounding, as my exit, I hope, will be.

Day 4…facebook, I tire of you. It’s all so very empty. LAWD KNOWZ I like to see pictures of your kids and hear tales of your happiness. I cannot lie, I tire of the commonness. There are people in my life that can CALL ME or COME BY or HAVE ME OVER to talk about their cold, traffic, last nights dinner and subsequent bowel movement. Will you do that facebook?!?! I hate the rhetorically based questions.

After the 3 day hump came independence in the form of recognizing my lack of dependence. My haphazard bumbling on facebook has granted me a handful of friendships that I believe are guiding me in to the golden future of JENNINESS. I thank facebook for that, from the deepest recesses  of my hopeful heart. I met a man who reminded me of the phrase, “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this.” That man is my soul’s brother. His wife is the most amazing woman I have yet to encounter. Their friend that collected me into their inventory, is my gentle guide.

Here I am home alone, aside from a cat that batters me on a daily. I have the music I love, the food I bought,  and the wine I am drinking. The only way “facebook” affected this was to suck me in,  just to leave me lonely again.

Hi! My name is JMiz. My life seems hopeful. I feel free. My power is recognized. I finally feel like I’m doing what I was born to do. Tonite, my dreams will be sweet, for when I wake, what I am doing right now, will be my priority. Destroying ties is not what I am doing. I’m giving my power and the power of life enough freedom to fly, and enough rope to choke itself.

Until then, music, jammies, kitty, wine, my words…and peace ❤

What About Bob?! (via We’re Not Funny)

Posted: December 20, 2010 in me

by J. MIZ Before I begin, let me delve a bit into my family history. I am the product of teenage parentage. My mom is 7th of 7 in an Irish Catholic, Slovak,  and Polish Family. All very football and male-centric. Her whole family is hilarious! We tend to be very dark, or repetitive humor on that side. Our humor saves us from death and others insanity. Now meet Bob! He is 6th of 7 in a Swedish and Polish Catholic family (unwillingly converted from … Read More

via We're Not Funny

Day 3-Day 4

Posted: December 20, 2010 in 3 day hump, clarity, facebook, hope, me

Aside from avoiding the time suck of facebook, I’ve also been fighting my own life and inner demons. Watching the fog of facebook obsession lift, I’m beginning to discern what negativities  may be intertwined between the two concerns.

Last night, I again reclaimed my day at 830pm. My brother helped me with a transportation issue that seems to be “smoothed”, even if momentarily. I fell asleep by 2am, which seems like a child’s bedtime compared to the past few days. Despite a horrible nightmare an hour later, I managed to drag ass out of bed at 7am. This will all lead me to actually making it to my shit stain job today! Today I’ll receive a pittance of a paycheck, a supplemental unemployment payment, be able to use my “magic grocery card money”, get some stuff from the dollar store, and some food and litter for the cat.

I don’t expect an award for any of this. My facebook abstinence hasn’t had true integrity, but it’s no longer as compelling as it was. Three day hump?!?! I sure hope so. I’ve already decided that when I revisit my relationship with the old FB, it will no longer consume me to the same degree. There was something that spoke to the 3 of us that backed us away, in the same time frame. Not speaking from a stance of conceit, but from what I can tell, our absence could have made facebook lose some of it’s luster to our friends and loved ones. I hope this impacts us all in a positive way.

One more thought, iterating this here, with an ultimate set of goals, is WAY more positive and effective than my multiple status updates on facebook. I’ve lost my concern for a virtual validation in the form of a “like” or “comment”. Anyone that truly knows me, my passion for writing, and gives a true damn, is able to keep tabs on inner JMiz right here. Day 4 is starting to feel, dare I say good. Laters fb…see ya in a few…maybe.

what day?

Posted: December 19, 2010 in me

i havent gotten out of bed at all today. ive also been sleeping the whole time. i dont know whats wrong with me. somethings got to give.

End of Day 2

Posted: December 19, 2010 in alone, destiny, facebook, hope, me

After the stress and crying today, I gave up on any type of housework productivity. I walked to my car to run to the little store in my complex, and my car was dead AGAIN! After I came back in my apartment, I decided to reclaim my day, even if it was 830pm.  I put on a puffy coat, gloves and hoofed it in the freezing cold. It’s really only about 7 blocks-ish. As I walked, I thought to myself, “FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK THIS DAY! Anyone weaker would have stayed inside and cried some more. The adrenaline will lift my mood. Walking will tire my restless body and help me sleep. Fresh air always makes you tired. (my gramma always said this) I’ll be back in less than 30 minutes. Fuck that guy for being a douche! I’m not ruining a whole day over an asshole chicken shit move like that. Holy Christ is it cold. I’m making dinner when I get back if my toes don’t fall off. Screw it! I’m getting a bottle of wine too bitches! Watch, after I’m all cozy my friend will call about going out!”

I made it home in one cube. Then I cozied up with the cat and a blankie till I defrosted. For dinner I made pepper steak. Laughing at SNL, food and wine in hand, I forgot that crap of a morning full of fatigued tears I blamed on the demise of an imaginary relationship. I forgot a little more about my brothers bender. The dried tears on my face and hands and phone irritated me, so I washed up a little.

As I sit here, as so many times before, the lonely soul at a keyboard, I’m compelled to wallow. Unfortunately, a few years back my angsty soul decided to proceed in optimism and strength. Maybe it was all the scars that toughened my skin and I should embrace them. There’s even a possibility I can take my power back from them. Maybe even use the power to shine them up pretty, or at least back to my normal pale color. I’m not religious, but couldn’t an ordinary person endure suffering for others as well? Could I be an example to my family, my friends, and hopefully my niece? I’d like to think that. When life throws me lemons, I throw them all back but one. I like a twist in my martini. Cheers facebook! It’s been a pleasure missing you.

i have spent a few moments trying to absorb a self-truth that i just realized. i love everyone. if i’ve met you, i love you. love can mean many things, but has one core essence. so now i wonder, is that why its been so hard to find someONE to love?!?!

1/2 DAY 2

Posted: December 19, 2010 in alone, confusion, facebook, lonliness, love, me

I had a shit night. My friend was drunk and off the deep end. Talking her down and to sleep wore me out in every way. Since I couldn’t fall back to sleep, I texted a friend who sent me stories about Venom and Spiderman til I fell asleep. I woke up feeling okay, better, not great. When I turn on my phone, I see i was “dumped”. (via text…from Florida…by a 25 year old…that I didn’t realize was my “boyfriend”) Then I cried for 3 hours. I ate a bratwurst. It was disgusting, which pissed me off since as I was cooking it, I thought how I wished bratwurst grew on trees and I had a bratwurst tree…and a peach margarita drinking fountain. Add in starting, stopping, restarting the same movie 5 times. Chatted on IM a little. Talked to Ben. Called my mom 3 times. Fed the cat twice. Got stood up for dinner and shopping by my friend. Read a blog. I don’t miss facebook. I miss having a life. I miss having somebody to love and it’s okay to love them. I miss just being angry and not giving a shit if I understood or not.  I miss writing flowery and gratuitously romantic run on sentences as opposed to lists of things. Incomplete thoughts. I miss not trying so damn hard to forget so many things. I miss holding hands. I miss video game Sundays. I miss cuddling. I miss smelling a shirt.  I miss missing…I think I am missing.

Posted: December 18, 2010 in confusion, love, me

I have been fired on my day off before. Today I was “dumped” by somebody that I wasn’t aware was my boyfriend. After all the unfounded tears, I thought to myself: There has to be a joke in there somewhere…What’s next?! Being haunted by a living person? Nope. That’s a stalker. Being fucked by a vagina? Nope. That’s scissoring. Being called the “N” word? Nope. That’s my friends. Is this ironic? Is this funny? Is this insane? Is this…wait…what IS this?!?!

FACT

Posted: December 18, 2010 in facts

we all love shiny things and boobs.

booze makes you funny. money makes you cute.

destiny

Posted: December 18, 2010 in alone, confusion, destiny, lonliness, love, lyrics, me

for a few weeks now…maybe months…ive had an inkling. it makes me really question kizmet and things i know to be true…fights all my inner damage and false truths…but why do i revisit the same thought? WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?!?! WHOSE?! well, sir, i think its YOU. D-DAY is coming…i feel it in the air tonite oh lawd…

Day 1

Posted: December 18, 2010 in alone, cats, confusion, facebook, me

Today was the first 24 hours in an attempt at 168 hours without facebook. Oddly, it wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. I cheated once, through my yahoo account to reply to a time sensitive invite for my niece and myself for a play date. Throughout the day, I’d log on my meembo account to chat. My facebook account logs on with the rest of the chat accounts I have, but is that a cheat?!?! My day had much more free time. These are the things I got done today:

-Rent payment (which I’m behind on)

-All dirty clothes washed

-All clean clothes folded and hung

-Closet completely reorganized

-Ran a load of dishes and hand washed the rest

-FINALLY tracked down “that smell”

-Made some tweaks to my blog appearance

-Mentally began cultivating an idea for an entry to a zine I contribute to

-Called my mom 6 times

-Spent 20 minutes with my brother

-Washed my garbage can

I sit here and remember a time, not long ago, there wasn’t so much to “catch up” on. The work I did today is probably 1/5 of what I need to do in order to get “back to good.” The oddest thing was, I often wondered if my time at a PC encouraged my cats bad behaviour, my cat was a horror today. I spent time playing with him more so than usual. He was fed on his norm schedule. We napped. Today was the worst he’s acted in weeks. I, myself, was a little more upbeat. So i wonder…what came first: the facebook or the sloth? Did facebook help cultivate negativities in my life, or was it an outlet for me to “deal” or forget about them? I have another 144 hours to afford the opportunity to dissect these quandaries. At this moment, I must admit, I feel a little less lonely holding my relationships closer to my heart and devoid of the constant validation. I’d rather not be “connected” and so easily accessed. My old romantic soul has always been a big fan of the road that pining leads me down…Though I am a step further away from my “friends”, I now begin to wonder, am I a little closer to me?!