Archive for January, 2011

last caress…

Posted: January 31, 2011 in me

im not sure what it is i have to say…but ive got something to say…..a bit of today sucked. and it weighs on my optimism like an elephant in the living room. we dont PICK our family. its the one relationship nobody has control over. fundamentally they didnt pick you either. due to all the “love thy neighbor” and “honor thy father and mother” shit…..we lose ourselves. the person we are designed to be. that person was molded by family to perfection, yet it can be heavy, and make the same sound as shackles scraping on hard concrete. if you care to be healthy and functional, your position in your family must be addressed. if that place is itchy and small and redundant….you have to make a choice. its a choice on how you fit into the battle between destiny and free will. this may often mean washing you hands of something. and that sucks. but it can be an important decision. which option is going to be voting for YOURSELF?!?! do you fit into the whole “brothers keeper” thing or are you more of a “to thine own self be true person”? the funny thing about life is that you can revisit this choice as many times as you want. your family will still welcome you and kill the fatted calf. at least mine would. thats the rub. FACT: youre loved unconditionally, yet then you have to as well…..if you give a shit about integrity. so what do you do?!?! it kinda seems for me, that my extended family loves me as a 5 yr old towhead in a party dress or the person that was there when OUR family sucked or they needed somebody to care for them because their family sucked. same family. i am so many things…..but i dont know if one person in my family KNOWS me. my mom said some crazy shit recently in regard to me and my brother. about how she hoped wed think certain things were important: being a family. being a good person. functioning in society. taking care of the earth……the whole time she said this….i flashed to ME. i give a shit about ALL these things and conduct myself accordingly. my friends could substantiate this. my mother cannot.kinda fucked eh buddy?!?! i am not Aesop…i have no clever answer to all of this for the general populous…but the perfectly molded jenny ponders where i fit in the universe. i know that im loved. i know that i am smart. i know that i am funny. i know that i am clever. i know that i am handy. i know that i am kind. i know that i can both empathize and sympathize.i know i love with reckless abandon. i know i go in with all things assumed and that dont need to be earned, yet can be depleted. i know that i love kids. i know that people trust me. so why am i so hung up on the feedback of people i know are miserable??? family. thats why. i wouldnt change a moment of my life, because i wouldnt be THIS jenny. i kinda like her. she has these guy friends……they may not be 24/7 besties….but they all have a purpose. THAT is MY FAMILY. youd all love each other and kick each others asses SO HARD! so….yeah. family. family i CHOSE. so BEST FAMILY EVER ❤ HOLY FUCK ARE YOU ALL AWESOME! i chose wisely ❤

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so this is not the mood i expected to end my day with.

when i woke i was…..alright

when i dressed…i was ok…

as i ran to get my check & pay bills i was good…

all nite at work i felt better.

and then when he called and was on his way home

i was GREAT…

when he first showed up i was AWESOME!

and then…

let me preface with the fact that my parents raised me

as i was a key to the future…

and their solution to that,

was controlling me through most of my adult life.

when i have lived with my bf’s i was in charge of the finances

& kept our heads above water even if i needed a second job…

but when i live with “them”

my spending & credit report deteriorates my future…

nuff said…

so today…

because of my wanton need for futures so bright and trees of

green…red roses too…

i cashed my own check…

took the cash & over paid 2 bills by a few bucks

i did things people like u do all the time

that i usually only do once a year at tax return….

i went to fuck ass walmart

bought a body wash i like

mascara i prefer

cover stick im compelled to believe i need

got vitamins to avoid the flu

bcp to avoid a MISTAKE

a new foot pumice as mine broke today

a facial cleanser that works great for me

a body lotion i like for fall/winter

and spent short of 58 dollars

and still had money to buy quarters for wash

and enough to get through and possibly contribute a bit…

and as i said…

fuckery ensued

lead in with wanna hear what i did today that made me happy?

with my walmart bag in tow…

and was met with the infamous “high five grown up 34 yr old”

well ok

but my life is my life

it doesnt suit me to envy or empathize to reborn myself sans

limbs.

this is my life.

today was good.

and maybe my life has lead me to want more than sarcasm

when i just wanted an ear.

i feel lonely.

and very out of control.

i feel like my life has always been contingent.

and so far ive felt like it no longer is…but hes more um…

i dunno, like my dad & mom mixed & on crack

in a bad way at times like that.

then hes all brown sugar & real butter.

and it sux that he opens his home to me but i cant say i love u.

im so sad now.

so confused.

and as ive said a million times…

this crazy bitch wants to run FAST!!

whether its the same or a whole new deal.

the only thing that could fix this is a day of no obligation.

getting prettied up because i WANT to.

smelling good.

a movie i pick.

dinner somewhere i pick…

not some quick garbage where god forbid u enjoy the moment

& enjoy a conversation

cuz LATELY…

i feel like a has been barely cute housewife

& i dont even say i love u

and will always be petrified to…

even if i get mail here.

odd.

but welcome to jenny folks!

i need a fucking vacation!

and tomorrow i will dumb it up for money…as usual…

and smile & die slowly inside

& not get any of what i  want at most what i need.

and be the illegally died pink poodle

& jump those hoops like a pro

& wake up …

try…get disappointed………..

…………..

repeat

repeat

35 yr old grown up

36

37

38

39

40

hike hike hike!

have a great week grown ups!

mantra

Posted: January 29, 2011 in me
the moment i feel heavy
i remember breathing
and jax
and babies
and double cheese burgers
i am never sad long

if i need sadness i see its contribution

so when i see a piece of me dying
i love something harder
i love it
when i feel disconnected
i wrap my love around a baby
i hug it
so hard
then i breathe
i place myself
my name i jenny
im a blonde
i have a niece
my brother is amazing
i like cheese
and blankets
lilacs are amazing
when i wake ill have tea
all amazing stuff

i need a new day to love more

im exactly where i am supposed to be
this is my moment
to rest
to accept
to be me
i am placed
and i fit
there will be a new day
cuz im not done loving

drywall

Posted: January 29, 2011 in me

i heard your tears in the next room the day i said goodbye

in all your strength and stubbornness, it threw me that youd cry

who am i to be mourned for, because i had to leave

it took me to the first time i sprayed your cologne on my sleeve

i never thought itd come to that, or that youd go away

and sometime in my sleep, i dream you say “please? no! baby stay.”

how dare you crush my dreams with you, without a damn good reason

i never thought you were the one there for only one, cold, dark season

im not sure that much has changed to make me understand

despite my hardcore fighting, you became my man

i was your little girl and i tried so hard to grow

and i really, really, really did, but you refused to know

if you were a pair of ill fit jeans, id have taken you back

but you werent, so i left, and now my heart is black

i cant ask you questions, i cant accept your lies

it kills me most that this chapter, was such a great surprise

you told me to stop running and i finally took a breath

now here i am looking around and im the one thats left

did i leave or did you push me out the door?

i cant answer that but im done trying…evermore

in these words, feelings, and memories i feel so fake

all along my arms been stretched, just for your hand to take

the horse has been dead and gone, and my stick is just a nub

how can a girl as smart as me continue to believe in love

i read books, i watch the shows, i tat myself with math

yet when i think about you, our time seems my path

you made me great, i showed you love, and it never made sense

i it watched its finity fade with heartbreak and suspense

ill shut up now, my burden is my words

but i cant let go of wanting towels embroidered with “him and hers”

Hate Music: A WNF Free-For-All

Posted: January 28, 2011 in me

Hate Music: A WNF Free-For-All.

im glad that you now feel the responsibility. there are people we affiliate with that are unwell…as if we should speak, but we have the misfortune of outwitting our emotions, at times. i have cleared the shit for anyone who may have gotten victorian and need their moment. i will do it again. i always query why im so burdened, yet the first to be discarded…..sorry i think i wrote a poem there or something. im half buzzy, and now question if im allowed more than 4 hours, in humanities time, to feel joy. i feel each second that surpasses that, one is taken from the next incident. i feel so entitled to a moment of pleasure in anothers comany. sorry…i feel flowery.  could it be im raw and sincere and poetic?!?! if forced to answer, id protest too much. i maintain my relentlessness and integrity. proceed with the crucifixion and martyrdom. i accept. i am defined.

(No)vember

Posted: January 27, 2011 in me

(No)vember.

Felonious Thelonious

Posted: January 27, 2011 in me

Felonious Thelonious.

What About Bob?!

Posted: January 27, 2011 in me

What About Bob?!.

Using the Force To Find Baby Jesus

Posted: January 27, 2011 in me

Using the Force To Find Baby Jesus.

New Year’s Resolutions 2011

Posted: January 27, 2011 in me

New Year’s Resolutions 2011.

Enter The Buddah

Posted: January 27, 2011 in me

Enter The Buddah.

spinning

Posted: January 27, 2011 in confusion, lonliness, me, repetition

my life is a hellish hamster wheel

i want to jump off

that could result in injury

or vice versa

maybe somebody can stop it

then id just owe them something

round and round i go

tics

Posted: January 26, 2011 in alone, clarity, facts, sex

even a couple of X’s dont make an O sometimes.

PRO-Life

Posted: January 26, 2011 in alone, brother, clarity, confusion, destiny, facts, hope, love, me, parents, pro life, rant

Age 11 was the year my value and ignorance began to deteriorate

I realized my teenage parentage

As well as their strife

I came from sex

Love was a topic to be learned

Belief I was wanted…

Yet to be determined

I know for a FACT, I love

I know I have choices

I know I fit somewhere

Familiar punishment is weighted by how well our families ACT

I was given a brother

He decided I should give myself to his lineage….azzy

and accept his falling in love…again

He gave me a niece

He gave me those amazing other girlies

I am so far from my cocoon

Yet always in the pupa

Each day I redecide my gangster

How much can one accept, claim and fight in one day

Each day I wake alone

Each day I sleep alone

Details thus far, aside from my topic…dont count

I was born onto two people

Two people created a girl…

Divided

By the numbers and facts

So here I am

A 2fer

The WORST and BEST thing that has happened to you…

At any given time

Did you say something?

I thought you asked me something…

No?!?!

Hmmm…

Then pardon my answer

Guess I always wanted to be asked.