last caress…

Posted: January 31, 2011 in me

im not sure what it is i have to say…but ive got something to say…..a bit of today sucked. and it weighs on my optimism like an elephant in the living room. we dont PICK our family. its the one relationship nobody has control over. fundamentally they didnt pick you either. due to all the “love thy neighbor” and “honor thy father and mother” shit…..we lose ourselves. the person we are designed to be. that person was molded by family to perfection, yet it can be heavy, and make the same sound as shackles scraping on hard concrete. if you care to be healthy and functional, your position in your family must be addressed. if that place is itchy and small and redundant….you have to make a choice. its a choice on how you fit into the battle between destiny and free will. this may often mean washing you hands of something. and that sucks. but it can be an important decision. which option is going to be voting for YOURSELF?!?! do you fit into the whole “brothers keeper” thing or are you more of a “to thine own self be true person”? the funny thing about life is that you can revisit this choice as many times as you want. your family will still welcome you and kill the fatted calf. at least mine would. thats the rub. FACT: youre loved unconditionally, yet then you have to as well…..if you give a shit about integrity. so what do you do?!?! it kinda seems for me, that my extended family loves me as a 5 yr old towhead in a party dress or the person that was there when OUR family sucked or they needed somebody to care for them because their family sucked. same family. i am so many things…..but i dont know if one person in my family KNOWS me. my mom said some crazy shit recently in regard to me and my brother. about how she hoped wed think certain things were important: being a family. being a good person. functioning in society. taking care of the earth……the whole time she said this….i flashed to ME. i give a shit about ALL these things and conduct myself accordingly. my friends could substantiate this. my mother cannot.kinda fucked eh buddy?!?! i am not Aesop…i have no clever answer to all of this for the general populous…but the perfectly molded jenny ponders where i fit in the universe. i know that im loved. i know that i am smart. i know that i am funny. i know that i am clever. i know that i am handy. i know that i am kind. i know that i can both empathize and sympathize.i know i love with reckless abandon. i know i go in with all things assumed and that dont need to be earned, yet can be depleted. i know that i love kids. i know that people trust me. so why am i so hung up on the feedback of people i know are miserable??? family. thats why. i wouldnt change a moment of my life, because i wouldnt be THIS jenny. i kinda like her. she has these guy friends……they may not be 24/7 besties….but they all have a purpose. THAT is MY FAMILY. youd all love each other and kick each others asses SO HARD! so….yeah. family. family i CHOSE. so BEST FAMILY EVER ❤ HOLY FUCK ARE YOU ALL AWESOME! i chose wisely ❤

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