me thinx i protest too much…i have to be a girl rant…

Posted: January 31, 2011 in alone, clarity, confusion, destiny, hope, karma, lonliness, love, me, rant, repetition

so this is not the mood i expected to end my day with.

when i woke i was…..alright

when i dressed…i was ok…

as i ran to get my check & pay bills i was good…

all nite at work i felt better.

and then when he called and was on his way home

i was GREAT…

when he first showed up i was AWESOME!

and then…

let me preface with the fact that my parents raised me

as i was a key to the future…

and their solution to that,

was controlling me through most of my adult life.

when i have lived with my bf’s i was in charge of the finances

& kept our heads above water even if i needed a second job…

but when i live with “them”

my spending & credit report deteriorates my future…

nuff said…

so today…

because of my wanton need for futures so bright and trees of

green…red roses too…

i cashed my own check…

took the cash & over paid 2 bills by a few bucks

i did things people like u do all the time

that i usually only do once a year at tax return….

i went to fuck ass walmart

bought a body wash i like

mascara i prefer

cover stick im compelled to believe i need

got vitamins to avoid the flu

bcp to avoid a MISTAKE

a new foot pumice as mine broke today

a facial cleanser that works great for me

a body lotion i like for fall/winter

and spent short of 58 dollars

and still had money to buy quarters for wash

and enough to get through and possibly contribute a bit…

and as i said…

fuckery ensued

lead in with wanna hear what i did today that made me happy?

with my walmart bag in tow…

and was met with the infamous “high five grown up 34 yr old”

well ok

but my life is my life

it doesnt suit me to envy or empathize to reborn myself sans

limbs.

this is my life.

today was good.

and maybe my life has lead me to want more than sarcasm

when i just wanted an ear.

i feel lonely.

and very out of control.

i feel like my life has always been contingent.

and so far ive felt like it no longer is…but hes more um…

i dunno, like my dad & mom mixed & on crack

in a bad way at times like that.

then hes all brown sugar & real butter.

and it sux that he opens his home to me but i cant say i love u.

im so sad now.

so confused.

and as ive said a million times…

this crazy bitch wants to run FAST!!

whether its the same or a whole new deal.

the only thing that could fix this is a day of no obligation.

getting prettied up because i WANT to.

smelling good.

a movie i pick.

dinner somewhere i pick…

not some quick garbage where god forbid u enjoy the moment

& enjoy a conversation

cuz LATELY…

i feel like a has been barely cute housewife

& i dont even say i love u

and will always be petrified to…

even if i get mail here.

odd.

but welcome to jenny folks!

i need a fucking vacation!

and tomorrow i will dumb it up for money…as usual…

and smile & die slowly inside

& not get any of what i  want at most what i need.

and be the illegally died pink poodle

& jump those hoops like a pro

& wake up …

try…get disappointed………..

…………..

repeat

repeat

35 yr old grown up

36

37

38

39

40

hike hike hike!

have a great week grown ups!

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Comments
  1. Tonette says:

    Wow! Brown sugar & real butter? That is the most incredible description I have ever heard! Who does not instantly know EXACTLY what you mean? You are an incredible writer. My “mama” side wants to hug you & make everything alright.

  2. JMiz says:

    thank you mama…since my own has no comment, i look to you!

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