Archive for January, 2011

Z.

Posted: January 25, 2011 in alone, clarity, confusion, insomnia, lonliness, me

sleeping to dream is the long lost art of my existence

i long for the inactivity of sleep daily

sleep comes with  tumult and violence

i am weary and in need of change

indecisive in which may be less evil

i stay faithful to my insomnias kiss

a night owl or an insomniac or in denial

another day of poor sleeping choices wins

my eye lids long for the weight of my thoughts oblivious gravity defiance

zzz

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cheating at jenga

Posted: January 24, 2011 in me

the whole point of “puzzles” is that there are all these missing pieces. seems like an odd challenge to present children with, all for the sake of mind building and problem solving. it imitates life: something is always missing. you need to fill the space. the goal once reached, must be disassembled only to rebuild it or start immediately over. so who are you?!?! the one who busts it up right away and stores it away, no longer interested in the challenge? are you the one who takes it apart just to build it again? or is it that youre the one who finds some cocamamie way to laminate and preserve it? i think this is a pertinent question: when you first built a puzzle, a definitive choice was made. did YOU make it? or did the person who introduced you, GUIDE you?! i can say that my only memories of puzzles are with my sweet baby niece. we would take it apart carefully and rebuild it…..taking a different direction. there was peace. advice and streams of thought ensued. we trusted each other. we had a connection. we TRUSTED each other. we gave each other time. time to reconcile. to make sense of how it would be possible to create some one elses beautiful picture. i cant tell you what one single  puzzle  looked like. i just remember the journey. and how when i walked away from it all…..it went neatly back into a box, all pieces disconnected, but safe. offering the opportunity to walk that road again. a warm soft hand intertwined with mine……………

i will ignore the fact that my mom ignores my connection to my brother. he is me and i am him. he is funnier than shit. i fear and love when he requires me. you just dont share a bunk with anyone…in the days that dont ask dont tell didnt exist. my dna denies me being more connected to anyone. he is my hero and villian. i love fighting about who loves eachother more. im here for a few days. im gonna rub some lotion on his bosses grey bush ass and get a haircut. then imma hug that fucker til he tells me all the things i never want to hear. hes on board with the writing deal. i am committed to being his hype man. dear andy: i love your brain. we survive. kudos. you ARE my favourite person. all is well. i know where my people are…HERE! it doesnt get any whiter.

contracts

Posted: January 22, 2011 in me

put the toilet seat down.

dont leave the shower curtain bunched.

lock the handle when you leave.

dont put your money where your mouth is.

put it on the nightstand.

dont ever tell me you want me to kiss you.

NO EYE CONTACT!

Savory

Posted: January 22, 2011 in me

How dare you be sweet to me? How dare you enter the sugar walls? I perpetually fall for a stranger with candy. This stranger is selling his goods for a higher power and is unashamed in his solicitation of my being. Alas, I lack currency. My life ended up being a red rover of ending myself. I need  A TEAM. I love when a plan comes together. Fuck you in my listlessness and feet shuffling. I get hating  the fact the puzzle pieces “fit in.” I want to send you right over…but i can’t. I need to gargle with reality, even if fantasy is the most bestest dessert. Tonite I float in existence. Untethered….but tied down.  My words were in the moment…they  do not deserve anything i can draw on a wall. I dissect it all in the microscope of my soul. I doubt endings and closure…banta fodder…i need a set claiming. ONE!

I believe that creativity and mood alteration go hand in hand. It does not have to be rehabbed by substance per se…just whatever muses you into that floaty dreamy space, where all that is not your creation, ceases to exist. It is simply you and your scourge of a media. The fact of the matter is, in TRUE creativity,  you need a barrage of these things,  and that makes it tiresome. Up until recently, I have often felt cursed like Sisyphus. My self fulfilling prophecy of a hotel career reeks of  a beggars need for validation. I am a hospitable killer. I require the whetting of inspiration. The times it eludes me, I am befuddled. Chasing the dragon is my toil. I am primed by conflict and  I am readied by music. I am cured by love…and solitude. Love plays a big part. I crave more. I admonish it. Yet, far be it from me,  to circumvent the human idolatry of “LOVE” as a place we’d like to visit but do not want to live. I am the whipping boy of empathy and artistry. I never chose this. We live in a world that people sing about “licking it before we stick it.” There are many ironies in my writing about creative ironies. Oddly, I am inspired by a 2 Live Crew song…”If you would lick my soul, I will suck your funky emotion.” I see beauty in words…I hate when I find them, especially if they are good. The last thought I have is:

“Dear music,

cc: writing

You are my penance and and resurrection.

Could you be gentle to me?

I only want you to hold me up.

This human girl needs you to hold my hand.

I’d rather not part…

Or i shall TRULY lose my birthright.

Normally…

I hate your face.

Tonite…

I want you to hold me and tell me stories about when you grew up.

It’s your turn…

PLEASE…

Release me with your grip.

**looks down…shuffles feet and mumbles about my compulsion to be heard…and abandoned….and the fact that I got a lot of lotion for Christmas**

In my haste I never bother to read signs.

I have always been on my one way ticket to ignoration.

Here I go again.

I revel in the mystery of my destination.

Lost maps please me.

I am resigned to the fact that my journey will lead to greener pastures.

FUCK…I hate grass.

I want sandy beaches and touristy swap meets…indoors.

A gently gloved  hand is required.

Though I’ve been here many times, I’d like to see it in your eyes.

That’s why I am the court jester of love.

Amuse you I will.

You will laugh…

I’d like to dance and skirt but my voice fails me in my life song.

I breathe in…

Breathe me out.

Make me whole and dated.

1 billion served…Unless you are captain DIFFERENT…

I don’t know metric.

My hope is timeless in it’s anniversaries of events.

Don’t change that.

I count it all…

I keep score.

1 2 3 4…

I’m tired.

Carry me for once….

until I see the cobbler.

Girls With Glasses

Posted: January 19, 2011 in me

I cannot force you to see me.

I exist in the peripheral.

X marks the spot.

I am BASE.

Time allots me the waiting I require.

I lie in wait.

There is a crust above me.

It’s porous and remains simple.

A spork will do.

Yet I beg you brought a shovel…

And a brush.

At this point in time I beg you

To be valid.

I’m used to silence…

I’d rather you not be loud.

The tolling of the bell will be my voice.

There is a sadness in how impermeable I am.

Thus my words wasted on darkness

And silence.

Shine a light on me,

Talk to me.

Love me.

I will glow because of it.

You will know it.

My time here is done.

Not on Earth,

But with you.

I fancied you once.

I can’t continue.

So stop!

My job is to want,

I will reject.

I will fight circumstance.

And distance…

And insecurities…

And excuses.

I tire of this.

How can I accept what i shant feel?

Make me.

Make me.

Slow.

Make me.

I can.

Can I?

Can you?

NO.

NO.

no.

yes.

Yes.

YEs.

YES.

What time is it?!

Are we done here?!

I dare not vie for your affections. Life has given me the brass to earn my own medals. I forge them myself,  from the solids of the earth. I am not the sword makers son, nor do I care to defeat you. I am also not seeking apprentices. My worth is in the fact that I am woman. Standing alone is not in my lineage, but if it must…I shall pioneer. There are many before me who haven’t fallen to the need for false community, and alas..  I am not a casualty. Here I stand…Forthright. Perfection has never rested on my palate. That would not suit a creature of my devices. In my journey I shall surpass you. My endurances exists to surpass your families’ lifetimes. Though I do not judge, I also do not expire. I do not end. My existence is infinite. Your failure to learn is of no consequence to me. There have been Gods. Monuments have been built. I am exasperated in thinking my time here is to help you. My time is to be exemplary. Choose your path wisely and reevaluate what another being means to you. I may have words to scribe things of this this ilk, but I will no longer be bothered by you. When you can choose your righteousness you shall see me. I am here…in peace…for reconciliation. For now, this is all I can say. Judge not, lest ye be judged.. If you have worth, you will be here for a bit. ❤

TBA

Posted: January 17, 2011 in me

i met with friends for a long weekend. im home now, but its the middle of the night. i am tired and overwhelmed. in growing up, ive learned the importance in processing…so im going to dream over my thoughts of the experience. id like that more than the routine nightmares…

X 2

Posted: January 16, 2011 in destiny, hope, lonliness, love, me

dear babies…

i miss you.

i love you.

sorry it didnt work out.

see you on the flip side…

love ❤

 mama

40 monkies

Posted: January 15, 2011 in me

the best idea i had was to visit.

he is my brother.

hes too funny to handle.

life is better out loud.

hi woo…

lets spin dradles..

and give yo wife a pretty ass cookie…

lets resume discussions on how the beatles suck…

as do the beach boys.

manana…

edit

Posted: January 14, 2011 in me

a guy who wears a helmet wants details…

my life is a crossroad i cannot split.

any time i attempt to  “guess you”…

im asking what your government name is.

and that aint cool.

so ive decided were cool.

but i call dibs on chilly willy.

achoooo…

youre amazing.

and i get to share you…

my next wishes will involve unicorns

princess castles

and a personal pack of wolves.

kiss yo bish fo me…

and tell her i have cookie.

space invaders

Posted: January 14, 2011 in me

how dare you be familiar?!

before you enter the girl in the bubble,

one must wipe their feet.

i reject your confusion sir.

and i say good day!

i do not dismiss your sudden modesty.

be CONFRONTED,

for i am bearing my sword and my staff.

i am permanently affected by you.

such is love…

suck on that!

HA!

STOP

BEING

PERFECT!

i fucking hate consequence.

i live without repercussions

and you need to go…

or stay forever.

i hope im freaking you out.

GOOD!

FUCKER!

i triple dog dare you to make this less confusing.

STOP!

i will survive.

but my endurance weakens with each tick of a clock.

how dare you?!?!

HOW DARE YOU?!

wanna snuggle and exist in perfection?

me thinks the lady is correct in assuming..

NO!

i am not

keep running flo jo.

illl meet you at the finish line.

rapture

Posted: January 13, 2011 in me

the breeze blows my hands down

the stones force my posture.

the water hydrates me

all i want is dirt…and fire

i can hear the words you shall never utter.

“Voldemort”

and “i love you”

i have been abducted

“i love yous” will not ensue

ive never longed for choose your own adventure more than now

i have this puzzle piece

and it fits

im better at cumming

than i am at building it

how dare you be awesome?

**tehehes verbally….and u tell me suck for that**

i think…

therefore i fail.

all i can see

is…

dancing…

and all i hear is your breathing