Archive for January, 2012

Rip Cord

Posted: January 10, 2012 in clarity, destiny, grass is greener, hope, karma, lonliness, me

As I tried my damnedest to mentally check out of an emotional situation tonight, I contemplated the dandelion. Remember being a kid and blowing off those tiny, puffy, parachutes?
Make a wish!
I’m highly allergic to dandelions, and even though I knew I was playing with fire & spreading the seeds, I NEEDED that wish.
Tonight, the thought crossed my mind: why? Those wishes never came true. I was blatantly perpetuating something that made me extremely ill. And those fluffy balls of seed were the only way I could get near a dandelion. They were beautiful. Left to their own devices, they’d do a better job existing & flourishing than my self-paining exhales could ever assist.
When I pass a lawn full of those delicate little Eden flowers now, I slow my gait, take it all in, think of those childhood wishes, and keep along.
Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

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Fun Facts About My Dating History

Posted: January 10, 2012 in facts, love, me, rant, sex

-Many of the guys I dated married the next girl. Think “Good Luck Chuck.” Ha! Take that Dane Cook! I did that first!

– Whenever I feel a guy & I are getting serious &  I call off my “special friends”, the relationship is dunzo in less than a week. Monogamy + honesty = dumptitude

– Three of my past serious boyfriends were born on the 21st of their month. I won’t date a guy born on the 21st anymore.

-I get in ruts with the Zodiac signs. I’ve been through: Leos, Capricorns & Gemini’s. Great sex, bad bad mojo.

– All of the guys I date remind me of my dad, brother or first cousin. Yes. I’m “that girl.” I’m sure there’s a pole out there for me somewhere.

– Some of my best long term relationships were purely sexual, but we were best friends. The lack of commitment & day to day allowed us to just have fun & enjoy each other.

– I haven’t had kids because reproducing DNA is s big deal. And I have horrible taste.

– I’ve only had an ” anniversary” with my first serious boyfriend. The best gifts I received were from boyfriends I didn’t date very long.

– Most of my boyfriends had weird relationships with their moms, and their dad was out of the picture. Sometimes it was the opposite. I’ve dated like 1 guy whose parents were together.

-I don’t date red heads. Dad is a ginger. That’s just too weird.

– My relationships last longer with guys in an analytical career. Those in trades tend to bore me. The creative types… well, when we’re done fucking & destroying each other, it’s a wrap.

– The guys I date tend to suffer from a “Homecoming King Complex.” In some way, shape, or form, they have to feel accepted & popular. This is polar to how I maneuver through life.

-The guys I’ve dated are all comfortable around kids, and actually good with them. Or making them.

-I prefer guys who REALLY know how to cook & aren’t picky eaters. I actually look down on picky eaters. I don’t want to shop in only four aisles at the grocery store. Don’t make me go back there.

– I’m rarely attracted to blondes or guys with blue eyes. Again, I’ve been in a rut with these two also.

I always wonder what I’m looking for, holding out for etc. It mainly comes down to having a guy who enriches his OWN life. I’ve done that. I’m also a blend of intellect & creativity, so unless they’re similar they don’t appreciate the existence of such a harmony. I need way less attention than I seem to. I respect somebody who tells me no more so than yes. I’ve said it before, at 37, I just want to be complimented, not completed.

Everyone wants somebody to say hello, goodbye, good morning and good night to. You may refute this, but at one time you did, or will.

The rub lies in transferring residual feelings on our new acquisitions, conquests or victims. That person, too, has had a life, loves, and a past. If we unjustly punish them or drown them in attention or affection, is that love?

I say no sir, no sir. As a human being, it’s our personal obligation to get right. There comes a day & a time where reeking havoc on others is no longer an option.

It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to heal. It’s okay to go to therapy. It’s okay to get a cat. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be scared.

What isn’t okay, is cheating yourself or other people from the beautiful dance & warming comfort of love. Disguising a flawed neediness, predeliction for co- dependency, or validation is even worse.

Be honest. Be genuine. Be brave. Be gentle. Be scared
Be excited. Be joyous. Be daring. Be affectionate. Be loved. Be you.

Of somebody doesn’t like it, someone else will LOVE IT!

“You gotta love me or leave me alone.” – Brand Nubian

I Can Always Make An 8

Posted: January 5, 2012 in clarity, destiny, hope, love, me

words never spoken
love unrealized
i waiver at the crisp edge
cold water
rushing
below
i hear truth in the whispers
you seeing my destiny
life’s plan to accompany my acoustic solo
doors shut on fear
windows open on the fruition
that this is not a test
lucky charm
lucky
lucky
me
breath no longer missing or necessary
you found me
hiding
in your hearts harbor
ready to sail
no.
ancor dropping
the journey was the destination
found
no longer lost
accepting clear sight
and sound
and touch
and me
learning true love
in the twilight of life
can and does exist
and so now do i.
rightfully

kept

Posted: January 4, 2012 in alone, destiny, hope, lonliness, love, me

ever fearing the longing
and belonging
uncatchable
sitting still & emotionally evading

i dip my toe in the promises
rippled reactionary
frozen by the speed
of imminent departures

skeptic
romantic
scholar
and fool

i trust there will be betrayal
by me
it seems inevitable
happiness

how strange…

Table Salt

Posted: January 3, 2012 in me

There comes a time where we have to face the past. This is life giving us a delicate recipe of sorts.

*Pre-Heat very cold existence to Dante’s Inferno

*Lightly lubricate your soul with tears & the blood of dying denial

Mix the following ingredients:

-Daddy issues (may substitute Mommy issues where Daddy issues may not be available)

– Abuse by any loved one (mental, verbal, emotion, or sexual) to taste

-1 part admission of accountability on your side

– Equal parts of failure & success (a ‘heaping’ amount of success often produces better results)

– Equal parts of self truths & self lies

-A fist sized amount of tears

– One deep breath

Once all ingredients are mixed, shape into the desired form. Some examples can be found in your heart.

Place in warm oven with  TRUE friends, gratitude, humility, forgiveness & hope.

Bake until golden & firm.

A soft center is to be expected, as some settling will occur.

Carefully cover with self worth, self awareness, integrity, vigilance, and tenacity.

Once cooled, divide into healthy portions.

This is best served daily.

Great for sharing with loved ones, children, people you respect, people who reciprocate, and warm fuzzy animals.

*Author’s note*

Don’t be discouraged by early attempts that may not turn out “perfect.” Some things are mastered slowly, others quickly. Enjoy the process & the experience.

BON APPETIT!