Posted: January 22, 2013 in me

I’ve been thinking about the whole ordeal of dating lately. Where I think I fit into it. If I miss it. If I don’t. Why I’d want it. Why I wouldn’t. What I’d look for. What I’d pass up. Mistakes of the past. The valuable memories. And lessons. The whole schebang. I’m not romanticizing it, nor am I beating it to death like a well deserving  jaded bitch. Thoughts. Just thoughts.


The thing I realized today, is I miss being a girlfriend. I have this emotional energy that has level backed up recently. Maybe in a new way. A way that’s pretty foreign and far from where I was when I cut myself off from that experience. There’s no way I can possibly defend myself as being “Best Girlfriend Ever” up until this point, so I won’t. But I miss considering somebody. I miss doing little things. I miss understanding. I miss being a confidante. I miss being the girl your mom tells to take care of you. The girl she sometimes tells deserves better than her son can do right now. I miss making your lunch. I miss “tucking you in at night.” I miss being alone knowing you’re doing the stuff you do alone so you can tell me later on. I miss playing you a song I just found that you’ll love. I miss making you dinner. I miss seeing you ripped to shreds from stress and the evils of the world and being able to be that small with me. I miss being quiet when you’re that way too, just glad my presence is a comfort.


I have a track record of attracting and picking people with amazing potential. Because that’s all I was, potential. I picked people who needed fixing or to fix. I attracted the guys who I knew would let me be a mess. This wasn’t the case every time, but it was very close at best. So I’m not exactly sure what I want to be on the receiving end of. I think having a laundry list of expectations may just close me off from the most amazing thing that could ever happen to me. It’s one of those situations where I’ve learned, the hard way, what I DO NOT want. And that list is reasonable. If I continue to ignore life’s lessons, my life loses it’s meaning. So I guess the thing I do want, is to be seen. To be valid. To be considered. That’s what the person I love always gets from me, because they’re important to me. I just needed some time to become important to myself.


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