Archive for December, 2013

6

Posted: December 30, 2013 in me

the minute he takes my hand
my world stops spinning
and my feet touch the ground
i breathe
no longer invisible
i am present
i leap without looking
no concern for time
and i’m almost certain
my heart beats

sateen 18

Posted: December 25, 2013 in me

it was the closest i’ve come to spinning
since as long as i could remember
words so comforting & familiar
it took my entire will not to mouth along
flickers of this & that & other things
burying me under his weight
and losing me in the breadth of my imagination
it
was
everything
hidden in a way that is only possible in candlelight
trembling on the edge of life
i forgot if i was supposed to breathe
or hold my breath

3 small words

Posted: December 23, 2013 in me

there’s that day
when he is all you think about
there’s that day
when you replay every word
every touch
every memory

there’s that day you’re aware of your heartbeat
and how it pounds in your ears
and smothers the logic
and the reality
and the everything else

there’s that day where you realize exactly how you feel
those feelings the truest truth
and those feelings persist
and compel you
to say the 3 hardest little words

let
me
go

point b

Posted: December 22, 2013 in me

only comfortable in a perpetual state of good bye
i force my nails into my wrist
and my heels into the ground
fighting nature

i am never ever sure what i’m doing
but what i’m doing now
shreds my heart
and limbs

i can’t breathe or think
or run
or stay
or get angry or love

i feel frozen
in lapping waves of warmth
cold and afraid
to feel anything at all

the island

Posted: December 16, 2013 in me

remembering those nights walking home
in tears
the world so big
and me so small
wondering how i somehow remained tethered
while everything was spinning so fast
those salty salty tears
that came from the place where my deepest secrets lied
and where everything I dreamed
seemed tangible
unaware of how my cold feet managed to feel and tread the earth
walking “home”
to my address
and the bed I slept in
all of it moving so fast
afraid I looked unraveled
feeling shredded to bits
reminding myself “get used to this”
feel this
hold this moment
every tear
each step
each labored breath
i was walking
not running
and nothing was ever the same

2 Minutes

Posted: December 12, 2013 in me

There is never enough time
In any day
To do the things I think of
In 2 minutes
When I’m alone
And gasping for your touch
And looking down at my skin
Uncovered
And writhing
And all the thinks I think
And all the holding of my breath
Leave me flushed
And freezing
Over-teasing
And under-pleasing
My imagination isn’t as powerful
As your mouth
And hands
My days will never be long enough
For those 2 minutes

Mondays

Posted: December 9, 2013 in me

the thing about Mondays
starts on Sunday nights
almost not wanting to sleep after midnight
so I can feel every moment
and then when I do wake up
that delicious feeling of continuance
the thing about Mondays is
subtle goodbyes
a slight rushed kiss
that only weigh heavy that afternoon
when I pour myself into my pajamas
before lunch
and hesitate to even wash my hands
or face
the thing about Mondays is
I stay as quiet as I can
so I can replay every word
and touch
and detail
and linger
until it makes my head light
and I fall asleep
enveloped by the memory
and your smell on my skin
and dream
and begin waiting again
and that is the thing about Mondays

0b11011000110100101

Posted: December 4, 2013 in me

when people ask who i am

i tell them

with my words

my movements

my voice

my hesitation

they never want to know the truth

that i am bored

of these types of conversations

waiting and waiting and waiting

to stop talking about me

and be seen

and felt

and breathed in

and spit out

and i can’t tell them my truth

the truth about what i love

what i long for

what breaks my heart

what makes me swell

what makes me

nobody knows

nor do they want to

how easy it is

when you’re just you

and you take my hand

and walk me

carefully

on the inside of the sidewalk

and ask nothing

as you feel the warmth

of my fingers in yours

born of nothing

but chance

and courage

and no good reason not to

and in that simplicity

where things just happen to happen

i glow

and spin

and breathe

in AND out

but they’ll never know

those who question

how simple it is

to just be

when you make me…

me

10

Posted: December 1, 2013 in me

Lying in bed alone
I contemplate the shade of my nail polish
And the way it’s chipped
But I hate the thought of taking it off
Because it touched you
As if my memorization of every pore and hair is kept sealed in
As if it’s meaningful
As if it’s real
As if the aquamarine darkness somehow keeps you close
I contemplate the shade of my nail polish
I can press it against my lips
And pretend
I can run it through my hair
And remember
I can smooth it against my skin
And crave
I contemplate the shade of my nail polish
Because I’m a silly dreamy mushy girl
And little things
Like moments
Keep me visible
And relevant
And bundled
I contemplate the shade of my nail polish
Because it’s safer than contemplating you