Archive for May, 2015

   I’ve never been excited to be alive and I’ve always feared being sick. Going through the motions and observing my dad get diagnosed with cancer, go through chemo and now surgery I realized something last night. My dad, on any given day, has more will to live than the sum of my entire life. Before I feel asleep it occurred to me that none of that had changed for me.
   I don’t know what it’s like to exist is an sizeable space of I WANT TO LIVE, THIS IS MY PURPOSE, THIS IS MY DRIVE. I’ve had my departure from willing myself to die, but that other part never came. Not even now. If anything, it gave me a glimpse into another worthless horror I have left to suffer through. The going of my parents. My lack doesn’t spill onto others, I’d like them to live forever. I just never felt that for myself.
  I remember this day I was all excited to go somewhere. I went to bed to make sure I got up on time, planned the next day’s moments in my head, got dressed, and waited for the bus. And I waited. And waited. And waited. And it never came because that bus didn’t run on weekends and it was a Saturday. And so I was smashed with  disappointment. It took me a long time to even walk away from the bus stop because I couldn’t accept the fact it wasn’t coming, and neither was my magical day. That’s where I’ve existed. In that small box of feelings. For as long as I can recall. Just standing there. No bus. No magical day. And taking entirely too long to walk away.
   Not everything has a lesson. Most things don’t. And the journey isn’t always that great. Not for me. Sometimes you just realize who you are. And what you want. And that things just are. And they’re exactly how you figured them to be. Long ago. Frustrating. Slow. Or just never ever happening at all. I’m a little confused and maybe disappointed I’m not one of those people who can use this experience as a catalyst for some robust psychic change that sets my heart free. But it hasn’t. I can’t even force it. I’ve tried.
  I’m still just here waiting stubbornly for that bus to get me the fuck out of here.