Archive for December, 2015

I’d Pick You First

Posted: December 7, 2015 in me

Loyalty-a strong feeling of support or allegiance.

I had a weird day yesterday. I couldn’t tell you why, but that whole adage about hindsight… Then it occurred to me. My life is significantly lacking occurrences of loyalty.

One of my standards to inform others of is my desire and appreciation of meeting new people. But sometimes I think I have to. And that’s ALL that I do. And if that internal push were to be taken away, my interactions would be terminally crippled. If I weren’t at a point I was open to that, my solitude would be significantly more solo. If that were even possible.

Lately I’ve felt this deficiency more than usual. I haven’t had a best friend that I physically interact with regularly in over a decade. I haven’t had a boyfriend in over 3 years. These are 2 easy go to structures of relationships that typically ensure regular interaction and higher degrees of loyalty. To a certain extent I’ve closed myself off to those relationships, but not really. What I HAVE closed the door on is emotionally carrying relationships. I’m done poking and prodding and initiating and stalking. It’s my experience those connections work best in even reciprocated measures and doses. It can’t just be one person running a one man show and the other just passively being there by, essentially, not leaving. Like a lifeless mass of DNA just stuck to you, much like those creepy dead conjoined twins. Or a remora.

Healthy relationships should be actively and regularly chosen. One person shouldn’t have to shoulder that like a host to some non-contributing parasite. I don’t want to be constantly needed. I want to be actively chosen. Regularly. Maybe I’m oblivious, and somebody thinks I’m their best friend. (Dear lord I hope nobody thinks I’m their girlfriend.)  But how present can I be in a relationship if I don’t know it exists? I’ve always had this fear and validated feeling that I made relationships up in my head after I’ve walked away from them. That my hope and loyalty was so strong , I missed the total void of it on the other end. And I just can’t be available for that anymore.

What is odd though, is that I continue to be available at all. Falling into the nothingness and void seems so inviting and warm and predictable and comforting sometimes. Yet here I am. Meeting new people. Hoping something will stick. Hoping to be chosen. But not just chosen, kept.

“Always been too scared and unprepared
To let anybody get too close to me

But when I met you right away I knew
You would never ever ever hurt me

And the road’s still long but you come along
And you hold my hand and you understand

When I look at you I can’t believe it’s true
You’re all I ever dreamed of and you love me
And you love me, and you love me” -Kimya Dawson