Archive for July, 2017

Infinity

Posted: July 5, 2017 in me

You glow

A beautiful treacherous light

And I follow you around like an empty headed moth just to scratch the itch of my instinct

And to hopefully

Possibly

Maybe

Catch a sprinkle of your warmth and light

I lay in bed with you

Pretending that’s “spending time”

But I’m awake

Looking at you

Doing nothing but existing and breathing a little harder than usual

You’re dreaming

And mine are being altered to something I’m already settling for

I convince myself that being held and kissed are enough

Because wanting is too dangerous

And disappointing

And frustrating

And just leads to more following the rumor of warmth

And the downsizing of the dreams I had

I act like I’m interested

But I’m now so distracted by my fears

And insecurities

And pain that I’m missing what you say

Or your point

(What is your point?)

And I’m wound tight

In the bandages of my costume

And armor

So I’m missing the point of me

Even being here

Or anywhere

I wanted to be consumed

But never considered that meant being chewed

And rolled around teeth

Inside a mouth that was almost to capacity with false promises and lies

And swollen with a bitten tongue

And still I look at your lips

I watch them move

And want to hold them against my own

And your hands that are busying themselves with anything that isn’t me

I want to wear them wrapped around me like a belt

Or a life jacket

To stop me

To slow me down

To hold me

To keep me

So I stop flying from the earth

And myself

But they don’t

And I don’t

And most things don’t

Or won’t

Sometimes,  I think,  can’t

Can’t is much much simpler than won’t

Can’t brings me back to your light

And the madness of supposed understanding

And takes me from the other side of the door where I drop my head and silently whisper to myself

You won’t leave

You can’t leave

You don’t leave

Until I can roll back my tears

And game face

And go back

To where nothing ever happens

Over and over again