Archive for the ‘alone’ Category

segue

Posted: May 7, 2012 in alone, destiny, insomnia, lonliness, love, me, poetry

on stormy nights
i think of your lips
and how they taste
after kissing my tears

i see your eyes
when i close mine
and thunder becomes heartbeats
lighting illuminates destiny

yet i lie alone
cool sheets filled with breadth
absent of your warmth
empty handed and pining

patience is the virtue i damn most
on nights like these
id give my soul
for one saltless kiss

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Have you ever felt compelled to thank somebody for loving you? A secret, dark part of me always felt that everyone should just DO that love me thing. Yet, somewhere deeper and even darker, I’ve always felt that no one has.

These aren’t the inner pinings of a narcissistic teen, twenty-something or a panicked thirty-something making a last futile attempt at figuring out who she wants to be when she grows up. It’s a desire older than baby teeth and the capability to physically produce the sound of simple phonics.

I can remember the void left “where love goes” far more easily than my first memory or experience of love. The fact remains, as a child, despite my best efforts to turn off the plain, obvious, total envelopment of love my life was, I passed it by or tuned it out like an Autistic Vulcan.

In aging, developing and coming into my own, my life’s trail is paved with the carcasses of self- inflicted denial, rejection and failure in the implementation of love. Like an amoeba, designed to live off as little as possible in the temporal world’s physical chaos, I existed and flapped my arms, at best.

Now here I am, ravaged, compromised, contused and stripped bare, and somebody loves me. Whether or not I was the heiress of a loving culture, family and inner worth, I now am left feeling begat of love, born of love and clueless. There’s another living, breathing, thinking, human being who voluntarily loves me. And, I’m more than okay with that.

My past inclinations to run, sabotage, victimized myself or manipulate have disappeared from my bag of tricks. I don’t even WANT him to love me. I simply have to accept it. Raw, simple, genuine, uncontingent, not even offered, just there for the taking, LOVE. And somehow, I’m functioning, in the stillness of it all.

In the wee hours of the night, I dissect it, carving it into tiny, emotionless, lifeless pieces of things “not-me.” Every morning, I wake to it fully assembled, fully functioning, smiling at me and reminding me it loves me. And, though I think it would look fetching in a straight jacket, it’s there. It’s real. And smiling.

Whether my thirty-something years of loveless childhood are fancied or real doesn’t matter. The reality I live in, this state of lovedom is thick, warm, and as safe as the womb, legend has it, I once escaped from. How in the world am I expected to handle that?! It appears, by just being what I was designed for: love. Much to my scowling chagrin, all the accoutrements of my survival are blessed little attributes. So, I give up. He wins. I guess that means I win too. Hopefully he’ll help me figure it all out, orĀ  remind me I don’t have to.

assent

Posted: April 28, 2012 in alone, clarity, destiny, facts, hope, karma, me, poetry

morning goodness
deep in love’s blind
invisible to everything
even the eyes of god

i search the print
wandering through ornate words
steadily fumbling through the extraneous
skating digits, volleying eyes

sight failing the lowly earthing
hushed audible ephifanies
her carapase ignites & dissapates
tastes of electrified spirit

fed &impregnated
the purpose of the day initiated
centered in the nothingness
her life inserted & propelled

without fear
without anticipation
void of apprehension
only certainty & sure footedness

no fact
no interrelation
only her universality
carried by the breath of a thousand dying suns

chagrin

Posted: April 26, 2012 in alone, destiny, facts, hope, lonliness, me, poetry

blackness so rich
absorbing all light & levity

depth beyond reckoning
evaporating breath & beauty

darkness so heavy
compressing time & truth

stillness ever murderous
raping the hope & happiness

i am the cloud
i am the abyss
i am the anchor
sinking this ship

no need for trembling
children needn’t fear
the descent is singular
only i am not here

the falling immortal
the silence of screams
the tear of life’s fabric
the terming of dreams

yet still my soul floats
it’s buoyancy my master
those days are far gone
of me…the beautiful disaster

satire

Posted: April 19, 2012 in alone, clarity, facts, me, poetry

they say the way you get it
will be the way you lose it
so if you were then the chosen
that’s just til they unchoose it

nothing lasts forever
nothing ever stays
disproving this fact to me
would mean knowledge beyond your days

i’m happier “the cynic”
more content the Tom that doubts
i’m safer as the questioner
comfortable with my pouts

don’t ask me to believe you
i’ll only say i do
and then you’ll say you believe me
and i’ll wink, “of course you do”

prayers of 3s and 7s

Posted: April 16, 2012 in alone, confusion, lonliness, me, poetry

fearful that what i’ve become
is the thing i started out as
more cleverly disguised
surrounded by the nothingness

i beg see through my craft
grip tight my flailing hands
slipping through the cracks
life i walled up and chipped away

the glass fogged slowly
refracted reflection of tomorrow
dark circled eyes and empty respiration
this cannot be me

hold fast my slippery mind
capture my sliding memory
freeze me till it passes
i didn’t end up here to end

red

Posted: March 19, 2012 in alone, clarity, destiny, hope, lonliness, love, me, poetry

as i sat there
once again
with what was left
or wasn’t left
of my identity
and dignity
my heart hardened
or buried itself
underneath dead lungs

all i ever wanted
the only thing i asked
leaving with that
that which i came with
a suitcase of life
three boxes of happy memories
confident trust
a beating heart
two working lungs

but i didn’t
yet here i am
still blinking
heart throbbing with love
lungs swollen with hope
so thank you
all of you
leaving with nothing
pushed me towards everything

i walked in with nothing
unless you count me
and before i knocked
the door opened
the mat said welcome
and i was handed a key
tied with a ribbon
shaped like a heart
there’s no place like home

bore

Posted: February 9, 2012 in alone, destiny, lonliness, me, poetry

it’s never simple
it’s never safe
it’s never temporary
it’s never immortal

it’s everlasting
it’s burned
it’s ingrained
it’s unchosen

i’m lost
i’m small
i’m regenerating
i’m aware

realize the realism

Posted: January 27, 2012 in alone, clarity, confusion, facts, lonliness, love, me, rant

I’m NOT in love right now. I. AM. NOT. IN. LOVE. RIGHT. NOW. I’m unable to grok that. But I accept it. And oddly have a spring in my step.

The majority of my adult life, I’ve been in love with someone. Shit! Sometimes, it’s just ANYONE. Yet here I am, breathing.

In order to fill the space where my mind would wander, I’d like to list what makes me…. feel.

– the sound of thunder
– sad songs
-a child’s voice
– hugs
– the silence only found during winter
– new socks
– getting somebody’s voice mail recording
– an old sweatshirt
– sleeping alone
– the resignation just before sleep
– poetry
-a brush of skin
– flaws
-Buddhism
– cold air
– having a door held open for me
– good morning
– goodnight
– being alone

All the while, LIFE is happening. It’s detailed simplicity. But LIFE…. well, life, is IN the details.

fort nots

Posted: January 21, 2012 in alone, clarity, confusion, destiny, hope, love, me, rant

I’ve never been good at waiting. I’ve never been patient. Often times, I give up. Even if it’s important. Just that easily. I quit.

My new found tenacity is part shocking, part surprising. There has been a shift in what I find “important” and in what I want. So here I am… just being here. And I’m actually okay with it.

the space you had is not filled
but it is occupied
by me

i miss you every day
it’s often hard
but i breathe

when i hear your voice, see your face
im back to then
even if i see

my hearts still pounding, and i still pine
for today, each day
i can just….be

seconds
minutes
days
weeks
weak
indifferent
lies
missing
building
hoping
waiting
waiting
waiting
foolish?

It isn’t that difficult to seem tough or unaffected if you know what to expect. This is even simpler if you don’t expect much. The teetering between the great void of feelings and the flood gates… well, there I be.

Lately I feel like a toddler. I’m learning not to repeatedly touch the fire, make sure to look both ways, recognize good and bad people, tell the difference between truth and lies. My standard reaction to this process had been HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FUCKING LIFE?! HOW AM I HERE?! AGAIN?!?!

Then I breathe. Then I look at the opulescent shine of my scars. Then I feel grateful. Then I remember love. Then I vaguely recall trust. Then I detect the faint existence of faith. Not faith in a godly sense. Faith in myself, as a machine. I am a machine programmed and designed to LIVE. Even in spite of MYSELF.

This is when I crave freedom. Buttnaked, guiltless, primal freedom. Instantaneously…I AM free. I AM strong. I am all. I am me. I am here. I.AM.HERE.

One

Posted: January 13, 2012 in alone, lonliness, love
Tags: , , , , ,

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get lonely. Even as I slowly learn the difference between that and BEING alone, they still feel a bit similar. The time of year, the silent walls of solitude built with snow beckons us to couple up, snuggle in and protect each other. From the aloneness.

The progression of times modern rarely holds contingencies for basic human comfort and companionship. Even as I type, once again the lonely soul at a keyboard, I’d much prefer a hug and a kiss goodnight. The azure glow of Facebook, twitter and other gathering grounds offer no comfort to a heart in pain. The hand longing for a touch. That sole soul who yearns for the validation of their humaness.

Be kind dear people. Love with reckless abandon. Hold a tiny gloved hand. Dry a single tear. Say good morning, good night, and I love you. Don’t wait. Don’t hesitate. Plunge into life… WITH OTHERS

l <3 v e

Posted: January 11, 2012 in alone, clarity, confusion, hope, love, me

alone, lonely
need, want
committed, obligated
love, habit
victim, choice

my thoughts are on all the ways i’ve perceived love & the new opportunity to actually define it.

Everyone wants somebody to say hello, goodbye, good morning and good night to. You may refute this, but at one time you did, or will.

The rub lies in transferring residual feelings on our new acquisitions, conquests or victims. That person, too, has had a life, loves, and a past. If we unjustly punish them or drown them in attention or affection, is that love?

I say no sir, no sir. As a human being, it’s our personal obligation to get right. There comes a day & a time where reeking havoc on others is no longer an option.

It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to heal. It’s okay to go to therapy. It’s okay to get a cat. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be scared.

What isn’t okay, is cheating yourself or other people from the beautiful dance & warming comfort of love. Disguising a flawed neediness, predeliction for co- dependency, or validation is even worse.

Be honest. Be genuine. Be brave. Be gentle. Be scared
Be excited. Be joyous. Be daring. Be affectionate. Be loved. Be you.

Of somebody doesn’t like it, someone else will LOVE IT!

“You gotta love me or leave me alone.” – Brand Nubian

kept

Posted: January 4, 2012 in alone, destiny, hope, lonliness, love, me

ever fearing the longing
and belonging
uncatchable
sitting still & emotionally evading

i dip my toe in the promises
rippled reactionary
frozen by the speed
of imminent departures

skeptic
romantic
scholar
and fool

i trust there will be betrayal
by me
it seems inevitable
happiness

how strange…