Archive for the ‘facts’ Category

bauble

Posted: March 23, 2012 in destiny, facts, hope, love, me, poetry

there hangs a heart from my neck because i’ve always believed in love
though i’ve felt self-convincing
ive fought to keep the hope
then you were just there
first a friend and soul mate
then holding my hands
now your kisses burn me
chest full of fire
just below my dangling heart

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uncharted

Posted: March 13, 2012 in clarity, destiny, facts, hope, karma, love, me

I promise:

Not to make my bad day more important than your good one. Or your ordinary one, for that matter.

To never fill in the blanks. I will ask. You will answer. Honesty. Faith. Trust.

I will always say thank you. Even if it's just your way, I will be grateful.

When I say I love you, or I'm sorry, I'll mean it. And I'll never treat either as a polite or expected retort.

To shed my cuts, scrapes, bruises and scars. I have no choice. I'm safe now.

I'll always evolve, change, hope, dream, have goals, and look to the future. But never at the cost of our moments, experiences or days.

To stay me. If you like it, I can't help but love it.

To let you be you… amazing YOU.

Be kind, understanding, a quiet listener, a vocal expressor, patient, loving and consistent. And all the mixed up blends and proportional balances.

I'll hold your hand when it's cold. And/or wrinkled.

To deserve you.

twine

Posted: February 2, 2012 in destiny, facts, hope, love, poetry
Tags: , , , , , , ,

ive asked to be little countless times
too many promises, so many crimes

and there you were, just cuz i asked
time that stood still, now quickly passed

trickles of tickles, fast beating heart
al dente noodles, no ending, no start

floating on clouds of blankies and peace
knowing that moments must always cease

the sudden sound of leavings, breath was held
eyes locking in stayings, bodies in meld

you grabbed my fingers, pressed down my soul
you saw the balance, what makes me whole

dream that, i couldn’t. wishes once deeply downed
in the moment, the tizzy, was my truth found

“Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me.”   Sia-“Breathe Me”

realize the realism

Posted: January 27, 2012 in alone, clarity, confusion, facts, lonliness, love, me, rant

I’m NOT in love right now. I. AM. NOT. IN. LOVE. RIGHT. NOW. I’m unable to grok that. But I accept it. And oddly have a spring in my step.

The majority of my adult life, I’ve been in love with someone. Shit! Sometimes, it’s just ANYONE. Yet here I am, breathing.

In order to fill the space where my mind would wander, I’d like to list what makes me…. feel.

– the sound of thunder
– sad songs
-a child’s voice
– hugs
– the silence only found during winter
– new socks
– getting somebody’s voice mail recording
– an old sweatshirt
– sleeping alone
– the resignation just before sleep
– poetry
-a brush of skin
– flaws
-Buddhism
– cold air
– having a door held open for me
– good morning
– goodnight
– being alone

All the while, LIFE is happening. It’s detailed simplicity. But LIFE…. well, life, is IN the details.

temple

Posted: January 24, 2012 in facts, hope, love, me, poetry

organic of heart
effortless companionship
value versus bulk

dashed

Posted: January 23, 2012 in being told im creative, clarity, facts, hope, love, me

“I do wanna say that seeing u cry tonite was amazing…believe it or not…it comforted me so much…u were absolutely beautiful in that moment”

sometimes life writes words more powerful than i could ever fathom penning.

It isn’t that difficult to seem tough or unaffected if you know what to expect. This is even simpler if you don’t expect much. The teetering between the great void of feelings and the flood gates… well, there I be.

Lately I feel like a toddler. I’m learning not to repeatedly touch the fire, make sure to look both ways, recognize good and bad people, tell the difference between truth and lies. My standard reaction to this process had been HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FUCKING LIFE?! HOW AM I HERE?! AGAIN?!?!

Then I breathe. Then I look at the opulescent shine of my scars. Then I feel grateful. Then I remember love. Then I vaguely recall trust. Then I detect the faint existence of faith. Not faith in a godly sense. Faith in myself, as a machine. I am a machine programmed and designed to LIVE. Even in spite of MYSELF.

This is when I crave freedom. Buttnaked, guiltless, primal freedom. Instantaneously…I AM free. I AM strong. I am all. I am me. I am here. I.AM.HERE.

Fun Facts About My Dating History

Posted: January 10, 2012 in facts, love, me, rant, sex

-Many of the guys I dated married the next girl. Think “Good Luck Chuck.” Ha! Take that Dane Cook! I did that first!

– Whenever I feel a guy & I are getting serious &  I call off my “special friends”, the relationship is dunzo in less than a week. Monogamy + honesty = dumptitude

– Three of my past serious boyfriends were born on the 21st of their month. I won’t date a guy born on the 21st anymore.

-I get in ruts with the Zodiac signs. I’ve been through: Leos, Capricorns & Gemini’s. Great sex, bad bad mojo.

– All of the guys I date remind me of my dad, brother or first cousin. Yes. I’m “that girl.” I’m sure there’s a pole out there for me somewhere.

– Some of my best long term relationships were purely sexual, but we were best friends. The lack of commitment & day to day allowed us to just have fun & enjoy each other.

– I haven’t had kids because reproducing DNA is s big deal. And I have horrible taste.

– I’ve only had an ” anniversary” with my first serious boyfriend. The best gifts I received were from boyfriends I didn’t date very long.

– Most of my boyfriends had weird relationships with their moms, and their dad was out of the picture. Sometimes it was the opposite. I’ve dated like 1 guy whose parents were together.

-I don’t date red heads. Dad is a ginger. That’s just too weird.

– My relationships last longer with guys in an analytical career. Those in trades tend to bore me. The creative types… well, when we’re done fucking & destroying each other, it’s a wrap.

– The guys I date tend to suffer from a “Homecoming King Complex.” In some way, shape, or form, they have to feel accepted & popular. This is polar to how I maneuver through life.

-The guys I’ve dated are all comfortable around kids, and actually good with them. Or making them.

-I prefer guys who REALLY know how to cook & aren’t picky eaters. I actually look down on picky eaters. I don’t want to shop in only four aisles at the grocery store. Don’t make me go back there.

– I’m rarely attracted to blondes or guys with blue eyes. Again, I’ve been in a rut with these two also.

I always wonder what I’m looking for, holding out for etc. It mainly comes down to having a guy who enriches his OWN life. I’ve done that. I’m also a blend of intellect & creativity, so unless they’re similar they don’t appreciate the existence of such a harmony. I need way less attention than I seem to. I respect somebody who tells me no more so than yes. I’ve said it before, at 37, I just want to be complimented, not completed.

I often feel bad that I have no idea how to relate to women AT ALL! I am not the one to look to for comfort. There are many situations I can handle “down to the white meat”, but when you become irrational…I’m out. Not to sound sketch…but would so many dudes be cool w me if all I did was look for validation and cry about my pussy aka my feelings?!?! NO!

This is the sane curse I’ve suffered my whole life…I’m Alpha. In all honesty,  I never give a fuck if you are as well, as that is so fleeting, and far between. My claim is not perfection, but I’d be the LAST bitch they would send to a hut every 28 days. I’m the girl that would issue “red wings”.

This is always the shit that kills me, my bitches…Why in the fuck do you decide to hate me for the same reason you love me? A man can at least love and hate me fuck me for the same reason and does not have to say a gatdam word. You think I should entertain a text that could rival a doctoral thesis…”WHY I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A REAL FRIEND…” SCHNARF SCNARF muthafucka…you’re the reason humanity proposed the most pussified form of Feminism ever know to MAN!

Do me a favor m’kay: Get an education. Get a CAREER. Get a GULLIBLE man. MAKE him love your cat you’ve had since juniour year…Then get an IUD. We don’t need any more of your shenanigans.

Until then, I’m gonna read my comics, play w my new phone, drink beer with witty boys and listen to metal as we watch The Venture Brothers after I baked brownies in a white wife beater…braless.

Is my life chaotic? Like you bitches would know. Sometime you need to lay in the cut and receive and shut. the. fuck. up. Grab a controller…up up down down left right left right B A  start…

im glad that you now feel the responsibility. there are people we affiliate with that are unwell…as if we should speak, but we have the misfortune of outwitting our emotions, at times. i have cleared the shit for anyone who may have gotten victorian and need their moment. i will do it again. i always query why im so burdened, yet the first to be discarded…..sorry i think i wrote a poem there or something. im half buzzy, and now question if im allowed more than 4 hours, in humanities time, to feel joy. i feel each second that surpasses that, one is taken from the next incident. i feel so entitled to a moment of pleasure in anothers comany. sorry…i feel flowery.  could it be im raw and sincere and poetic?!?! if forced to answer, id protest too much. i maintain my relentlessness and integrity. proceed with the crucifixion and martyrdom. i accept. i am defined.

tics

Posted: January 26, 2011 in alone, clarity, facts, sex

even a couple of X’s dont make an O sometimes.

PRO-Life

Posted: January 26, 2011 in alone, brother, clarity, confusion, destiny, facts, hope, love, me, parents, pro life, rant

Age 11 was the year my value and ignorance began to deteriorate

I realized my teenage parentage

As well as their strife

I came from sex

Love was a topic to be learned

Belief I was wanted…

Yet to be determined

I know for a FACT, I love

I know I have choices

I know I fit somewhere

Familiar punishment is weighted by how well our families ACT

I was given a brother

He decided I should give myself to his lineage….azzy

and accept his falling in love…again

He gave me a niece

He gave me those amazing other girlies

I am so far from my cocoon

Yet always in the pupa

Each day I redecide my gangster

How much can one accept, claim and fight in one day

Each day I wake alone

Each day I sleep alone

Details thus far, aside from my topic…dont count

I was born onto two people

Two people created a girl…

Divided

By the numbers and facts

So here I am

A 2fer

The WORST and BEST thing that has happened to you…

At any given time

Did you say something?

I thought you asked me something…

No?!?!

Hmmm…

Then pardon my answer

Guess I always wanted to be asked.

i will ignore the fact that my mom ignores my connection to my brother. he is me and i am him. he is funnier than shit. i fear and love when he requires me. you just dont share a bunk with anyone…in the days that dont ask dont tell didnt exist. my dna denies me being more connected to anyone. he is my hero and villian. i love fighting about who loves eachother more. im here for a few days. im gonna rub some lotion on his bosses grey bush ass and get a haircut. then imma hug that fucker til he tells me all the things i never want to hear. hes on board with the writing deal. i am committed to being his hype man. dear andy: i love your brain. we survive. kudos. you ARE my favourite person. all is well. i know where my people are…HERE! it doesnt get any whiter.

I believe that creativity and mood alteration go hand in hand. It does not have to be rehabbed by substance per se…just whatever muses you into that floaty dreamy space, where all that is not your creation, ceases to exist. It is simply you and your scourge of a media. The fact of the matter is, in TRUE creativity,  you need a barrage of these things,  and that makes it tiresome. Up until recently, I have often felt cursed like Sisyphus. My self fulfilling prophecy of a hotel career reeks of  a beggars need for validation. I am a hospitable killer. I require the whetting of inspiration. The times it eludes me, I am befuddled. Chasing the dragon is my toil. I am primed by conflict and  I am readied by music. I am cured by love…and solitude. Love plays a big part. I crave more. I admonish it. Yet, far be it from me,  to circumvent the human idolatry of “LOVE” as a place we’d like to visit but do not want to live. I am the whipping boy of empathy and artistry. I never chose this. We live in a world that people sing about “licking it before we stick it.” There are many ironies in my writing about creative ironies. Oddly, I am inspired by a 2 Live Crew song…”If you would lick my soul, I will suck your funky emotion.” I see beauty in words…I hate when I find them, especially if they are good. The last thought I have is:

“Dear music,

cc: writing

You are my penance and and resurrection.

Could you be gentle to me?

I only want you to hold me up.

This human girl needs you to hold my hand.

I’d rather not part…

Or i shall TRULY lose my birthright.

Normally…

I hate your face.

Tonite…

I want you to hold me and tell me stories about when you grew up.

It’s your turn…

PLEASE…

Release me with your grip.

**looks down…shuffles feet and mumbles about my compulsion to be heard…and abandoned….and the fact that I got a lot of lotion for Christmas**

I dare not vie for your affections. Life has given me the brass to earn my own medals. I forge them myself,  from the solids of the earth. I am not the sword makers son, nor do I care to defeat you. I am also not seeking apprentices. My worth is in the fact that I am woman. Standing alone is not in my lineage, but if it must…I shall pioneer. There are many before me who haven’t fallen to the need for false community, and alas..  I am not a casualty. Here I stand…Forthright. Perfection has never rested on my palate. That would not suit a creature of my devices. In my journey I shall surpass you. My endurances exists to surpass your families’ lifetimes. Though I do not judge, I also do not expire. I do not end. My existence is infinite. Your failure to learn is of no consequence to me. There have been Gods. Monuments have been built. I am exasperated in thinking my time here is to help you. My time is to be exemplary. Choose your path wisely and reevaluate what another being means to you. I may have words to scribe things of this this ilk, but I will no longer be bothered by you. When you can choose your righteousness you shall see me. I am here…in peace…for reconciliation. For now, this is all I can say. Judge not, lest ye be judged.. If you have worth, you will be here for a bit. ❤