Archive for the ‘karma’ Category

blame

Posted: July 30, 2012 in alone, confusion, destiny, facts, insomnia, James, karma, lonliness, love, me

like a vase once rested in beauty
wobbling from the magician’s trick
cloth ripped from underneath
i teeter i totter
fearing the fall
or do i fear resting once again?

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tenuous tedious time tried & tired
i haven’t seen the mountain top
i’ve just heard it exists
slippery sliding stranded & sucked dry
crying out to the echoes & the ether
looking for a new path in my old grooved & worn road
eyes dry distracted divided & dumb
resistance is as futile as lies
heart educated by repetitive madness
crushed cracked crazy & checked out
no longer tethered by hopes stone
the little red balloon departs my heart
exhaustion of excuses explanations & eternity
i float in the linear streams of truth
sinking, all the while strapped to your back

uncharted 2.0

Posted: May 13, 2012 in clarity, destiny, facts, hope, James, karma, lonliness, love, me

Since the day I wrote this, a lot has happened. But nothing has changed. It was a hard day today indeed, but sometimes love is hard. I’ve still never been mad at you or hurt by you. I love you MORE today.  Because… you’re still the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m still here baby. I’m just waiting for you. Hurry, okay? I miss you… and we have plans.

I promise:

Not to make my bad day more important than your good one. Or your ordinary one, for that matter.

To never fill in the blanks. I will ask. You will answer. Honesty. Faith. Trust.

I will always say thank you. Even if it’s just your way, I will be grateful.

When I say I love you, or I’m sorry, I’ll mean it. And I’ll never treat either as a polite or expected retort.

To shed my cuts, scrapes, bruises and scars. I have no choice. I’m safe now.

I’ll always evolve, change, hope, dream, have goals, and look to the future. But never at the cost of our moments, experiences or days.

To stay me. If you like it, I can’t help but love it.

To let you be you… amazing YOU.

Be kind, understanding, a quiet listener, a vocal expressor, patient, loving and consistent. And all the mixed up blends and proportional balances.

I’ll hold your hand when it’s cold. And/or wrinkled.

To deserve you.

yang

Posted: May 11, 2012 in destiny, facts, hope, karma, love, me, poetry

breath sucked from chest and lung
time merely a parable of love actually
blood circulating the grand design
that this is the spot futures sprout
a moment one moment the next moment
all there is, is this
salty sweety buttery melted skin
halos caronas and flitting wings
my earth my heaven my center
axis at the turning point of my life
i began for you
i died for you
i took your breath
you gave me life
and a strong warm hand
that simply dangled patient for the bravery

terminus

Posted: May 9, 2012 in clarity, destiny, hope, karma, love, me, poetry

billowy pillowy inhaled fuming love
new acquaintance
old soul hand hold
buried in the past of futures
untold memories laying lifeless
looks locked leering lustfully
muffled i loves you
telling their secret fears and fames
ethereal endless effervescent
everythings emulated enumerated
eternities ever entering my heart
i love as he was, is, and shall be
never anticipating
expectations eradicated
he is he who is
rolling and roiling
deepest depths of determination
destined dusty duly doubted
damn near destroyed
in my palm heart and mouth
forgiving forgetting forging
my forever love
my daily reflection and reminder
love exists
love lulling in tired ears
promising tomorrow will come
and so it will go
just as it came
innocently dedicated
the manifested promise
never spoken
simply understood

assent

Posted: April 28, 2012 in alone, clarity, destiny, facts, hope, karma, me, poetry

morning goodness
deep in love’s blind
invisible to everything
even the eyes of god

i search the print
wandering through ornate words
steadily fumbling through the extraneous
skating digits, volleying eyes

sight failing the lowly earthing
hushed audible ephifanies
her carapase ignites & dissapates
tastes of electrified spirit

fed &impregnated
the purpose of the day initiated
centered in the nothingness
her life inserted & propelled

without fear
without anticipation
void of apprehension
only certainty & sure footedness

no fact
no interrelation
only her universality
carried by the breath of a thousand dying suns

cradle

Posted: April 3, 2012 in destiny, hope, karma, love, me, poetry, sex

i shed myself of shackles
binding my trueness & freedom
then i ran to you
steadfast in my resting stance

you stood stoic, cold, so numb
not weak, not strong, just still
i took my beating heart out
and rubbed your soul with its warmth

you bled away pain
inhaling the life i have too much of
with arm wrapped necks we flew
to safety, sunshine, home

breathing each other alive
i saw the you past, present, now
forever golden in my mind’s eyes
forever mine, forever you

the ground met our feet
lands of tomorrows, waters of today
the breeze of fossilized forevers
what has always been, perpetuated

uncharted

Posted: March 13, 2012 in clarity, destiny, facts, hope, karma, love, me

I promise:

Not to make my bad day more important than your good one. Or your ordinary one, for that matter.

To never fill in the blanks. I will ask. You will answer. Honesty. Faith. Trust.

I will always say thank you. Even if it's just your way, I will be grateful.

When I say I love you, or I'm sorry, I'll mean it. And I'll never treat either as a polite or expected retort.

To shed my cuts, scrapes, bruises and scars. I have no choice. I'm safe now.

I'll always evolve, change, hope, dream, have goals, and look to the future. But never at the cost of our moments, experiences or days.

To stay me. If you like it, I can't help but love it.

To let you be you… amazing YOU.

Be kind, understanding, a quiet listener, a vocal expressor, patient, loving and consistent. And all the mixed up blends and proportional balances.

I'll hold your hand when it's cold. And/or wrinkled.

To deserve you.

6

Posted: March 13, 2012 in clarity, destiny, hope, karma, love, me, poetry

ive looked in his eyes
cool pools of forever
lungs devoid of air
mind unaware of time
and i have feared

i’ve felt his confident weight
smothering my insecurity
paralyzing my need to run
tiny pieces of heart mending
and dare i say fluttering

for at least 8 days i’ve stifled
choked back
muted
the 3 words i’ve always felt
because i’ve always lived 3 others

please not again
this isn’t real
it’s a ruse
nothing last forever
don’t leave me

i love you

being…me <3

Posted: February 20, 2012 in clarity, destiny, hope, karma, love, me

Today was the most, absolutely perfect day. I wouldn’t change a nano- second!

I wanted to go to a restaurant that has bacon waffles. They hold a childhood fondness for me. DONE!

I wanted a peppermint mocha. They’re my absolute favorite! DONE!

I wanted to go get a nerf gun & Yahtzee. DONE!

I wanted to be held & rest & giggle & be the little red balloon tethered to the mighty stone. DONE.

All amongst the happenings, I was happy. Happy to a point that people brought my happiness to my attention. I am feeling more like me than I may have ever felt before. Ever.

The universe lines things up in the most trixiest ways sometimes. I believe that. I have faith in that. I am under the big orange X these days. And it’s a wonderful place to exist. Living, surviving, these are all well & good. But being… BEING… as I am truly intended, is amazing!

It’s a very cool thing to see yourself. And I finally do. I like her. She’s not perfect, but she’s good. She’s a pleasant & refreshing surprise. She’s at peace… even if she’s the bouncy, blowy, red balloon…she is tethered to her stone

evercell

Posted: January 28, 2012 in clarity, destiny, karma, love, me, poetry, repetition

subjects buried
never realized
or dug up from the depths of eternity

the stillness
the buoyancy
the ebb and flow of the past present and future

long ago
far away
separated from unity like splintered unmade introductions

washed up
dried up
life crept back into the ever waiting vessel of opportunity

evolving isolation
eyes opening
we discovered the strange neighbor in eternity’s plan

never new
far from familiar
reminders of who we are who were we and who we may yet be

brother
lover
mother
son
daughter
soul twined stranger

here again
to remind me
to remember
do better
be clever
let go with the mated collective love coated hope

never promising
simply stating
live, feel, learn, grow, move, and it will never ever cease to BE

It isn’t that difficult to seem tough or unaffected if you know what to expect. This is even simpler if you don’t expect much. The teetering between the great void of feelings and the flood gates… well, there I be.

Lately I feel like a toddler. I’m learning not to repeatedly touch the fire, make sure to look both ways, recognize good and bad people, tell the difference between truth and lies. My standard reaction to this process had been HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FUCKING LIFE?! HOW AM I HERE?! AGAIN?!?!

Then I breathe. Then I look at the opulescent shine of my scars. Then I feel grateful. Then I remember love. Then I vaguely recall trust. Then I detect the faint existence of faith. Not faith in a godly sense. Faith in myself, as a machine. I am a machine programmed and designed to LIVE. Even in spite of MYSELF.

This is when I crave freedom. Buttnaked, guiltless, primal freedom. Instantaneously…I AM free. I AM strong. I am all. I am me. I am here. I.AM.HERE.

Rip Cord

Posted: January 10, 2012 in clarity, destiny, grass is greener, hope, karma, lonliness, me

As I tried my damnedest to mentally check out of an emotional situation tonight, I contemplated the dandelion. Remember being a kid and blowing off those tiny, puffy, parachutes?
Make a wish!
I’m highly allergic to dandelions, and even though I knew I was playing with fire & spreading the seeds, I NEEDED that wish.
Tonight, the thought crossed my mind: why? Those wishes never came true. I was blatantly perpetuating something that made me extremely ill. And those fluffy balls of seed were the only way I could get near a dandelion. They were beautiful. Left to their own devices, they’d do a better job existing & flourishing than my self-paining exhales could ever assist.
When I pass a lawn full of those delicate little Eden flowers now, I slow my gait, take it all in, think of those childhood wishes, and keep along.
Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

i tired of the pomp and circumstance

and my need for constant costume changes

i tire of the polite audience

and their apathetic opera clap

this show is neither starring you

nor is it bound with dedication

the tears that smear my perfect paint

they come from my boredom

and my madness born of this monotony

the script has been long since abandoned

this is me

ripping away this frock made of cheap indifference

no longer am i bound by stings much like a puppets

i am front and center

no longer my own under study

the house lights are up

the walls are crumbling

and the score  would insult the definition of cacophany

yet all your bloody mouths taste of me

and  i am your intermission treatsie

and as i dribble down your lips

as i churn in your innards

i am poisoning you

with the presence of truth

i am starving you

with the absence of facade

i am choking you

with the fat honesty of my being

and as your hearing fades

with the screams of my liberated soul

your eyes will burn

your guilt and lingering ignorance will bury you

as you lay among the rubble

blind

deaf

gasping

 i shall not ascend like a phoenix

i will devour you

piece by necrotic piece

and shit you into the depths that i only just escaped from

this will be a tragedy to no one  

this will be the comedy found in your folly

i will walk away

donned in blackness

and finally be free

for im finally left to self

there will be no encore this time

the fool is now the playwright

I often feel bad that I have no idea how to relate to women AT ALL! I am not the one to look to for comfort. There are many situations I can handle “down to the white meat”, but when you become irrational…I’m out. Not to sound sketch…but would so many dudes be cool w me if all I did was look for validation and cry about my pussy aka my feelings?!?! NO!

This is the sane curse I’ve suffered my whole life…I’m Alpha. In all honesty,  I never give a fuck if you are as well, as that is so fleeting, and far between. My claim is not perfection, but I’d be the LAST bitch they would send to a hut every 28 days. I’m the girl that would issue “red wings”.

This is always the shit that kills me, my bitches…Why in the fuck do you decide to hate me for the same reason you love me? A man can at least love and hate me fuck me for the same reason and does not have to say a gatdam word. You think I should entertain a text that could rival a doctoral thesis…”WHY I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A REAL FRIEND…” SCHNARF SCNARF muthafucka…you’re the reason humanity proposed the most pussified form of Feminism ever know to MAN!

Do me a favor m’kay: Get an education. Get a CAREER. Get a GULLIBLE man. MAKE him love your cat you’ve had since juniour year…Then get an IUD. We don’t need any more of your shenanigans.

Until then, I’m gonna read my comics, play w my new phone, drink beer with witty boys and listen to metal as we watch The Venture Brothers after I baked brownies in a white wife beater…braless.

Is my life chaotic? Like you bitches would know. Sometime you need to lay in the cut and receive and shut. the. fuck. up. Grab a controller…up up down down left right left right B A  start…