Archive for the ‘lonliness’ Category

half of twelve

Posted: May 26, 2012 in alone, lonliness, love, me, poetry

screams executed as inhales
faulty and failed
words too full
lips clumsy from the weight of tears
soggy dripping fear drench brain
soul deafened by the silence
where heartbeats once danced
paralysis victorious and merciless
a single thought resonates
help
help
help
help me
help you

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adrift

Posted: May 16, 2012 in alone, clarity, facts, lonliness, me, sex

my soul has memorized you in every way
with words not yet uttered lest written
each lash sigh touch tastebud inhale
and here we are
you me us
and the widening abyss
that’s whispering……….
forgotten

uncharted 2.0

Posted: May 13, 2012 in clarity, destiny, facts, hope, James, karma, lonliness, love, me

Since the day I wrote this, a lot has happened. But nothing has changed. It was a hard day today indeed, but sometimes love is hard. I’ve still never been mad at you or hurt by you. I love you MORE today.  Because… you’re still the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m still here baby. I’m just waiting for you. Hurry, okay? I miss you… and we have plans.

I promise:

Not to make my bad day more important than your good one. Or your ordinary one, for that matter.

To never fill in the blanks. I will ask. You will answer. Honesty. Faith. Trust.

I will always say thank you. Even if it’s just your way, I will be grateful.

When I say I love you, or I’m sorry, I’ll mean it. And I’ll never treat either as a polite or expected retort.

To shed my cuts, scrapes, bruises and scars. I have no choice. I’m safe now.

I’ll always evolve, change, hope, dream, have goals, and look to the future. But never at the cost of our moments, experiences or days.

To stay me. If you like it, I can’t help but love it.

To let you be you… amazing YOU.

Be kind, understanding, a quiet listener, a vocal expressor, patient, loving and consistent. And all the mixed up blends and proportional balances.

I’ll hold your hand when it’s cold. And/or wrinkled.

To deserve you.

sinking before you learn to swim
crashing before you learn to fly
defying reality in hopes to control
or prayer to be swept away
outer body out of your mind
delicious sleep just never comes
forced to instinct you sink
how could you know anything else?
eyes and heart battle scarred
you disappear
inside of you
no longer in me
its death a wilting
no pomp just circumstance
distance perceived as shrinking
all is heavy
all is dark
truth evident in the temperature
cold and invisible it consumes you
you are not here
youve faded
slipping through the hand extended
fingers missing that touch of life
as blackness grows strong
the light now extinct
memories
hopes
givens
promises
sunrises
smiles
faith
truth
gone
all gone
without explanation or justice
eyes turned to the away i must walk to
drowned in their own tears
i am not here

segue

Posted: May 7, 2012 in alone, destiny, insomnia, lonliness, love, me, poetry

on stormy nights
i think of your lips
and how they taste
after kissing my tears

i see your eyes
when i close mine
and thunder becomes heartbeats
lighting illuminates destiny

yet i lie alone
cool sheets filled with breadth
absent of your warmth
empty handed and pining

patience is the virtue i damn most
on nights like these
id give my soul
for one saltless kiss

Have you ever felt compelled to thank somebody for loving you? A secret, dark part of me always felt that everyone should just DO that love me thing. Yet, somewhere deeper and even darker, I’ve always felt that no one has.

These aren’t the inner pinings of a narcissistic teen, twenty-something or a panicked thirty-something making a last futile attempt at figuring out who she wants to be when she grows up. It’s a desire older than baby teeth and the capability to physically produce the sound of simple phonics.

I can remember the void left “where love goes” far more easily than my first memory or experience of love. The fact remains, as a child, despite my best efforts to turn off the plain, obvious, total envelopment of love my life was, I passed it by or tuned it out like an Autistic Vulcan.

In aging, developing and coming into my own, my life’s trail is paved with the carcasses of self- inflicted denial, rejection and failure in the implementation of love. Like an amoeba, designed to live off as little as possible in the temporal world’s physical chaos, I existed and flapped my arms, at best.

Now here I am, ravaged, compromised, contused and stripped bare, and somebody loves me. Whether or not I was the heiress of a loving culture, family and inner worth, I now am left feeling begat of love, born of love and clueless. There’s another living, breathing, thinking, human being who voluntarily loves me. And, I’m more than okay with that.

My past inclinations to run, sabotage, victimized myself or manipulate have disappeared from my bag of tricks. I don’t even WANT him to love me. I simply have to accept it. Raw, simple, genuine, uncontingent, not even offered, just there for the taking, LOVE. And somehow, I’m functioning, in the stillness of it all.

In the wee hours of the night, I dissect it, carving it into tiny, emotionless, lifeless pieces of things “not-me.” Every morning, I wake to it fully assembled, fully functioning, smiling at me and reminding me it loves me. And, though I think it would look fetching in a straight jacket, it’s there. It’s real. And smiling.

Whether my thirty-something years of loveless childhood are fancied or real doesn’t matter. The reality I live in, this state of lovedom is thick, warm, and as safe as the womb, legend has it, I once escaped from. How in the world am I expected to handle that?! It appears, by just being what I was designed for: love. Much to my scowling chagrin, all the accoutrements of my survival are blessed little attributes. So, I give up. He wins. I guess that means I win too. Hopefully he’ll help me figure it all out, or  remind me I don’t have to.

chagrin

Posted: April 26, 2012 in alone, destiny, facts, hope, lonliness, me, poetry

blackness so rich
absorbing all light & levity

depth beyond reckoning
evaporating breath & beauty

darkness so heavy
compressing time & truth

stillness ever murderous
raping the hope & happiness

i am the cloud
i am the abyss
i am the anchor
sinking this ship

no need for trembling
children needn’t fear
the descent is singular
only i am not here

the falling immortal
the silence of screams
the tear of life’s fabric
the terming of dreams

yet still my soul floats
it’s buoyancy my master
those days are far gone
of me…the beautiful disaster

prayers of 3s and 7s

Posted: April 16, 2012 in alone, confusion, lonliness, me, poetry

fearful that what i’ve become
is the thing i started out as
more cleverly disguised
surrounded by the nothingness

i beg see through my craft
grip tight my flailing hands
slipping through the cracks
life i walled up and chipped away

the glass fogged slowly
refracted reflection of tomorrow
dark circled eyes and empty respiration
this cannot be me

hold fast my slippery mind
capture my sliding memory
freeze me till it passes
i didn’t end up here to end

red

Posted: March 19, 2012 in alone, clarity, destiny, hope, lonliness, love, me, poetry

as i sat there
once again
with what was left
or wasn’t left
of my identity
and dignity
my heart hardened
or buried itself
underneath dead lungs

all i ever wanted
the only thing i asked
leaving with that
that which i came with
a suitcase of life
three boxes of happy memories
confident trust
a beating heart
two working lungs

but i didn’t
yet here i am
still blinking
heart throbbing with love
lungs swollen with hope
so thank you
all of you
leaving with nothing
pushed me towards everything

i walked in with nothing
unless you count me
and before i knocked
the door opened
the mat said welcome
and i was handed a key
tied with a ribbon
shaped like a heart
there’s no place like home

bore

Posted: February 9, 2012 in alone, destiny, lonliness, me, poetry

it’s never simple
it’s never safe
it’s never temporary
it’s never immortal

it’s everlasting
it’s burned
it’s ingrained
it’s unchosen

i’m lost
i’m small
i’m regenerating
i’m aware

realize the realism

Posted: January 27, 2012 in alone, clarity, confusion, facts, lonliness, love, me, rant

I’m NOT in love right now. I. AM. NOT. IN. LOVE. RIGHT. NOW. I’m unable to grok that. But I accept it. And oddly have a spring in my step.

The majority of my adult life, I’ve been in love with someone. Shit! Sometimes, it’s just ANYONE. Yet here I am, breathing.

In order to fill the space where my mind would wander, I’d like to list what makes me…. feel.

– the sound of thunder
– sad songs
-a child’s voice
– hugs
– the silence only found during winter
– new socks
– getting somebody’s voice mail recording
– an old sweatshirt
– sleeping alone
– the resignation just before sleep
– poetry
-a brush of skin
– flaws
-Buddhism
– cold air
– having a door held open for me
– good morning
– goodnight
– being alone

All the while, LIFE is happening. It’s detailed simplicity. But LIFE…. well, life, is IN the details.

It isn’t that difficult to seem tough or unaffected if you know what to expect. This is even simpler if you don’t expect much. The teetering between the great void of feelings and the flood gates… well, there I be.

Lately I feel like a toddler. I’m learning not to repeatedly touch the fire, make sure to look both ways, recognize good and bad people, tell the difference between truth and lies. My standard reaction to this process had been HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MY FUCKING LIFE?! HOW AM I HERE?! AGAIN?!?!

Then I breathe. Then I look at the opulescent shine of my scars. Then I feel grateful. Then I remember love. Then I vaguely recall trust. Then I detect the faint existence of faith. Not faith in a godly sense. Faith in myself, as a machine. I am a machine programmed and designed to LIVE. Even in spite of MYSELF.

This is when I crave freedom. Buttnaked, guiltless, primal freedom. Instantaneously…I AM free. I AM strong. I am all. I am me. I am here. I.AM.HERE.

One

Posted: January 13, 2012 in alone, lonliness, love
Tags: , , , , ,

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get lonely. Even as I slowly learn the difference between that and BEING alone, they still feel a bit similar. The time of year, the silent walls of solitude built with snow beckons us to couple up, snuggle in and protect each other. From the aloneness.

The progression of times modern rarely holds contingencies for basic human comfort and companionship. Even as I type, once again the lonely soul at a keyboard, I’d much prefer a hug and a kiss goodnight. The azure glow of Facebook, twitter and other gathering grounds offer no comfort to a heart in pain. The hand longing for a touch. That sole soul who yearns for the validation of their humaness.

Be kind dear people. Love with reckless abandon. Hold a tiny gloved hand. Dry a single tear. Say good morning, good night, and I love you. Don’t wait. Don’t hesitate. Plunge into life… WITH OTHERS

Rip Cord

Posted: January 10, 2012 in clarity, destiny, grass is greener, hope, karma, lonliness, me

As I tried my damnedest to mentally check out of an emotional situation tonight, I contemplated the dandelion. Remember being a kid and blowing off those tiny, puffy, parachutes?
Make a wish!
I’m highly allergic to dandelions, and even though I knew I was playing with fire & spreading the seeds, I NEEDED that wish.
Tonight, the thought crossed my mind: why? Those wishes never came true. I was blatantly perpetuating something that made me extremely ill. And those fluffy balls of seed were the only way I could get near a dandelion. They were beautiful. Left to their own devices, they’d do a better job existing & flourishing than my self-paining exhales could ever assist.
When I pass a lawn full of those delicate little Eden flowers now, I slow my gait, take it all in, think of those childhood wishes, and keep along.
Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.

Everyone wants somebody to say hello, goodbye, good morning and good night to. You may refute this, but at one time you did, or will.

The rub lies in transferring residual feelings on our new acquisitions, conquests or victims. That person, too, has had a life, loves, and a past. If we unjustly punish them or drown them in attention or affection, is that love?

I say no sir, no sir. As a human being, it’s our personal obligation to get right. There comes a day & a time where reeking havoc on others is no longer an option.

It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to heal. It’s okay to go to therapy. It’s okay to get a cat. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be scared.

What isn’t okay, is cheating yourself or other people from the beautiful dance & warming comfort of love. Disguising a flawed neediness, predeliction for co- dependency, or validation is even worse.

Be honest. Be genuine. Be brave. Be gentle. Be scared
Be excited. Be joyous. Be daring. Be affectionate. Be loved. Be you.

Of somebody doesn’t like it, someone else will LOVE IT!

“You gotta love me or leave me alone.” – Brand Nubian