Archive for April, 2012

DOB

Posted: April 30, 2012 in brother, destiny, family, golden rule, grass is greener, love, me, rant

Being 38 years old and childless, there is a chasm between myself and mothers. My not being a mother was a choice regarding birth control for health that spanned decades and became a choice regarding my present and my future. Ask me today, I’d still have the 5 kids I wanted at 20, if I could.

I noticed the difference in me with my own mother first. My adulthood marked the beginning of her failing to relate to me. At 17, she was a high school drop out, a mother, and the wife of a 21 year old ginger haired musician. By 20, she lost her own mother. We hit the wall on demographic commonality before I had sex for the first time. But me, I never stopped looking for it. Or craving it. Empathy.

As my friends began having kids, there’s that phase of baby doll dress up, baby daddy drama, and them realizing the golden age of the mythical stay at home mom had ended. They were more tired than I was. Their financial resources went elsewhere. I felt like a braggart with my bars, boyfriends, nights in the city and 12 noon alarm clock setting.

Friends married, produced more spawn, I had a miscarriage. Friends divorced, remarried, more kids. I moved back home, switched jobs, suffered depression and often felt I was just surviving.

My brother married before me. Within a year, almost to the date, he had a daughter, my niece. I’ve never really told anyone in my family, but it took me 6 months to feel connected to her. Even through some testing and a trisomy scare, I was unaffected, apathetic and surprised at my personal coldness. She wasn’t mine in any way. And she surely wasn’t that baby that would’ve been her 8 year old cousin.

As I dated into my 30s,and saw my brother’s world and marriage unravel, I  saw parenthood in a whole new light, a masculine light. I saw my brother, a few boyfriends suffer the absence of their children. It was devastating. Their identity was replaced by their position as appointment keeper and automatic teller machine. Their children would cohabitate with strange, adult men that they didn’t approve. The women they dated, including myself, were judged as over bred harlots, or unequipped lowerings of the survival of the fittest, too flawed to breed.

My mind is now clouded by two decades as a spectator in the world’s failings and successes in parenthood. Yet every child that passes me, catches my eye. Every child I share words with or run my hesitant fingers over in moments of “they’re so cute” burn my heart and the cavity inside me that’s laid dormant for so long. I never made a decision that I didn’t want to be a mother. I never judged you if you did. The only thing that I decided, was that I wouldn’t become a jaded mother or grandmother. That means I’ll make my decision when I have a formidable partner I am looking forward to making that decision with. If that never happens, it wasn’t my life’s plan. I see 20 kids a day I can smile at, be kind to and preserve the Earth for. Don’t pity me. But don’t expect me to pity the plight you may have in being a parent. I won’t be jealous. I’ll just keep doing what I do. The world needs the childless just as much.

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Have you ever felt compelled to thank somebody for loving you? A secret, dark part of me always felt that everyone should just DO that love me thing. Yet, somewhere deeper and even darker, I’ve always felt that no one has.

These aren’t the inner pinings of a narcissistic teen, twenty-something or a panicked thirty-something making a last futile attempt at figuring out who she wants to be when she grows up. It’s a desire older than baby teeth and the capability to physically produce the sound of simple phonics.

I can remember the void left “where love goes” far more easily than my first memory or experience of love. The fact remains, as a child, despite my best efforts to turn off the plain, obvious, total envelopment of love my life was, I passed it by or tuned it out like an Autistic Vulcan.

In aging, developing and coming into my own, my life’s trail is paved with the carcasses of self- inflicted denial, rejection and failure in the implementation of love. Like an amoeba, designed to live off as little as possible in the temporal world’s physical chaos, I existed and flapped my arms, at best.

Now here I am, ravaged, compromised, contused and stripped bare, and somebody loves me. Whether or not I was the heiress of a loving culture, family and inner worth, I now am left feeling begat of love, born of love and clueless. There’s another living, breathing, thinking, human being who voluntarily loves me. And, I’m more than okay with that.

My past inclinations to run, sabotage, victimized myself or manipulate have disappeared from my bag of tricks. I don’t even WANT him to love me. I simply have to accept it. Raw, simple, genuine, uncontingent, not even offered, just there for the taking, LOVE. And somehow, I’m functioning, in the stillness of it all.

In the wee hours of the night, I dissect it, carving it into tiny, emotionless, lifeless pieces of things “not-me.” Every morning, I wake to it fully assembled, fully functioning, smiling at me and reminding me it loves me. And, though I think it would look fetching in a straight jacket, it’s there. It’s real. And smiling.

Whether my thirty-something years of loveless childhood are fancied or real doesn’t matter. The reality I live in, this state of lovedom is thick, warm, and as safe as the womb, legend has it, I once escaped from. How in the world am I expected to handle that?! It appears, by just being what I was designed for: love. Much to my scowling chagrin, all the accoutrements of my survival are blessed little attributes. So, I give up. He wins. I guess that means I win too. Hopefully he’ll help me figure it all out, or  remind me I don’t have to.

assent

Posted: April 28, 2012 in alone, clarity, destiny, facts, hope, karma, me, poetry

morning goodness
deep in love’s blind
invisible to everything
even the eyes of god

i search the print
wandering through ornate words
steadily fumbling through the extraneous
skating digits, volleying eyes

sight failing the lowly earthing
hushed audible ephifanies
her carapase ignites & dissapates
tastes of electrified spirit

fed &impregnated
the purpose of the day initiated
centered in the nothingness
her life inserted & propelled

without fear
without anticipation
void of apprehension
only certainty & sure footedness

no fact
no interrelation
only her universality
carried by the breath of a thousand dying suns

chagrin

Posted: April 26, 2012 in alone, destiny, facts, hope, lonliness, me, poetry

blackness so rich
absorbing all light & levity

depth beyond reckoning
evaporating breath & beauty

darkness so heavy
compressing time & truth

stillness ever murderous
raping the hope & happiness

i am the cloud
i am the abyss
i am the anchor
sinking this ship

no need for trembling
children needn’t fear
the descent is singular
only i am not here

the falling immortal
the silence of screams
the tear of life’s fabric
the terming of dreams

yet still my soul floats
it’s buoyancy my master
those days are far gone
of me…the beautiful disaster

coalescent

Posted: April 21, 2012 in destiny, love, me, poetry, sex

lines so soft
gentlest curves
no borders
no wars
union
tone tonality
wafting white whispery
downy delicate daring
skin
communion conforming comfortably
suggested sultry substantiated swoons
no lips
no words
no floors
no walls
no ceiling
stars twinkle in my tingly toes
sand stirring the friction of forms
firey flirty femine fumes
exhales
exits
existing
hearts beating til there’s only one
one
two
me
you
us
us
us

satire

Posted: April 19, 2012 in alone, clarity, facts, me, poetry

they say the way you get it
will be the way you lose it
so if you were then the chosen
that’s just til they unchoose it

nothing lasts forever
nothing ever stays
disproving this fact to me
would mean knowledge beyond your days

i’m happier “the cynic”
more content the Tom that doubts
i’m safer as the questioner
comfortable with my pouts

don’t ask me to believe you
i’ll only say i do
and then you’ll say you believe me
and i’ll wink, “of course you do”

prayers of 3s and 7s

Posted: April 16, 2012 in alone, confusion, lonliness, me, poetry

fearful that what i’ve become
is the thing i started out as
more cleverly disguised
surrounded by the nothingness

i beg see through my craft
grip tight my flailing hands
slipping through the cracks
life i walled up and chipped away

the glass fogged slowly
refracted reflection of tomorrow
dark circled eyes and empty respiration
this cannot be me

hold fast my slippery mind
capture my sliding memory
freeze me till it passes
i didn’t end up here to end

biopic

Posted: April 14, 2012 in love, me, poetry, sex

tiny fingertip tingles
laughing licking kisses
brushes of stand up hairs
prickly lipped tastes
falling rising loved up lungs
sparkling aromatic darkness
on and on and on and off
each breath begging
a curl slid left
an eye twinkling dew
interlocking souls
carried away by passionate giggles

signature

Posted: April 8, 2012 in destiny, facts, hope, love, poetry, sex

warm exhales against my neck
arm strewn across my abdomen
lips soft against my shoulder
i am wrapped in confident comfort
afraid to sleep
fearing movement
the dream is now
in wide eyed alertness
sealed in skin
preserved in persevering promises
held in hopeful heartfelt happiness
i am imagining this, immortal
no, it is now, near, nestled
here
in real time
actualized
my everyday
ordinary
extraordinary
love

cradle

Posted: April 3, 2012 in destiny, hope, karma, love, me, poetry, sex

i shed myself of shackles
binding my trueness & freedom
then i ran to you
steadfast in my resting stance

you stood stoic, cold, so numb
not weak, not strong, just still
i took my beating heart out
and rubbed your soul with its warmth

you bled away pain
inhaling the life i have too much of
with arm wrapped necks we flew
to safety, sunshine, home

breathing each other alive
i saw the you past, present, now
forever golden in my mind’s eyes
forever mine, forever you

the ground met our feet
lands of tomorrows, waters of today
the breeze of fossilized forevers
what has always been, perpetuated